Giddyup, Partner!
21 May 2012 23 Comments
in Infantile Obesity, My Childhood Tags: Alaska, child, childhood, family, fat, funny, horse, humor, humour, obese, Texas
A few days ago, I was telling someone that I’ve never been on a horse before. I always wanted to go horseback riding as a kid, but it just never happened. There weren’t exactly a lot of horses in Alaska, so I can understand why this dream didn’t come true in my early years. However, I’ve been in Texas for a good while now. You’d think I would’ve encountered one by now, but alas, I have not. I pass a few of them nearly every day on the way out of my neighborhood, for Pete’s sake.*
You’re probably feeling a tinge of sadness for me. After all, isn’t it a child’s rite of passage to ride on a creature that could throw him/her to his/her untimely death? So, like, woe is me, right?! Well, no need to worry friends. I’ve found some pictures that have helped to fill that horsey void. Granted, I don’t remember taking these pictures and the horse wasn’t real, but from what I can tell, I definitely thought I was riding a horse and I loved it.
Please note that these pictures also serve as additional proof that I was an enormous baby. I had just turned 1 here.
“Hey, y’all! Look at me on my purdy, fake horsey!”
I have trouble looking at the next one without laughing. I can’t tell for sure, but I must have been going awfully fast to achieve the whole hair-blowing-in-the-wind look.
“This. Is. Awesome!”
Here’s a picture of me, my brother and my sister earlier that year. It looks like my sister was just as excited, if not more, to be riding the ol’ pony. This one makes me laugh even more due to the ”I like cake!” look on her face. Ah, good times.
“Remember to always wear your finest dress and cardigan when riding your horsey.”
I think we still have the horse. If I ever have children (anybody taking bets on that yet?), I’ll be sure to take them horseback riding the way I learned. It’ll be cheaper that way.
*Who exactly is this Pete character, anyway?
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“Martin Stork:” Proof that I was a Progressive Kid
07 May 2012 21 Comments
in From the Archives, My 3rd Grade Literary Collection Tags: book, childhood, funny, humor, humour, story, transvestite
Last week I saw something I thought only happened on TV. It was like a TLC documentary had come to life before my very eyes. I was strolling through Target on my lunch break, picking up some groceries and your average garden department impulse buys.
While standing in line, something caught my eye. My first thought was “that is the tallest woman I’ve ever seen.” My second thought was “cross dresser!!” Walking past me was a large, muscular man wearing a floral, sleeveless dress, high heels and a necklace. No wig, in case you were curious. I was mesmerized, but knew that I had to resist the urge to stare. After all, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, although one could argue he was already doing that to himself by wearing heels.
You see, I’ve always been super open-minded and sensitive to others’ feelings. What? Don’t believe me? Well, I have proof. Below is one of the books I wrote back in 3rd grade, along with my present day commentary.
Side note: If you’re having trouble viewing the images below on your phone, you may have to read this on a full computer screen. Sorry, I’d have a meltdown if I had to re-do them to be more legible.
I think the funniest thing about this story, aside from the drawing of Martin, is the fact that Michelle was based on my teacher at the time (the one who graded this). Her name was Michelle and she was tall, thin and pale. The picture I drew looked just like her. I actually idolized her and thought she was wonderful, but for some reason she wasn’t exactly portrayed in the best light in this story. I’m starting to wonder if this marked the beginning of my fall from teacher’s pet status. Or maybe it was the fact that I challenged cultural norms by drawing a 10 year-old transvestite before I even knew the meaning of the word? I guess I’ll never know…
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The Neighbor Girl Strikes Again
01 May 2012 13 Comments
in Conversations with Strangers Tags: dog, funny, girl, humor, humour, neighbor, questions
Remember when I met the talkative neighbor girl a few months ago? She’s the one that gave me unsolicited advice about online dating and thought I was married to my father. Well, we had another interesting series of conversations today.
Upon pulling into my driveway, I heard her screaming “Carly!!!” while riding down the street on her bike. She jumped off the bike and quickly explained that she would have gotten home sooner, but her friend had an accident they had to tend to.
Me: “What happened to your friend?”
Girl: “Oh, you know…she got a hook stuck in her leg.”
Me: “Ouch! Is she ok?”
Girl: “Yeah, she’ll be fine. I kind of feel bad because it was all my idea. I convinced her to play where we weren’t supposed to. Then she got the hook in her leg. It’ll be fine though. Can I walk your dog??”
I give her the dog, they head off on their walk and 15 minutes later, she rings the doorbell.
Girl: “I’m not returning Bella yet, I just wanted to tell you your garage door is still open. Actually, can I play with Bella inside?”
Me: “Umm….only if you make sure it’s okay with your parents first.”
She runs across the street and returns almost instantaneously with approval, but with the caveat that it’s from her brother (the one who likes to look at pictures of pretty girls on the internet). Eh, good enough. I’ve briefly spoken to her parents and I’m pretty sure they’d be happy to have her out of the house for a few minutes anyway.
She comes in and talks to me and Allison (the roommate) for a bit, all while feeding Bella and trying to get the dog to not hate her (they so would not be Best Friends Forever).
Things get serious fast. First topic: religion. Here’s an excerpt of that mini-convo:
Allison: “So, you’re Mormon, right?”
Girl: “How did you know that??”
Allison: “Well, you just said your brother’s on his mission and your grandparents live in Utah. Carly and I both have Mormon friends, we know all about it.”
Girl: “Oh. Well, I’m not just Mormon.”
Me: “What do you mean? What else are you?”
Girl: “Jew.”
Me and Allison: ??? (in our heads)
Girl: “Well, I think I’m part Jew…I have 5 cousins that live in Texas who are all Jews, but the rest of my family is Mormon.”
This conversation ended with me and Allison trying to understand her extensive and overly complicated family tree. We never did.
She then told me I should adopt some babies. I guess she forgot that we’ve already been over this. Somebody hasn’t been paying attention.
Next, the three of us and the dog sat in the living room to chat. She did most of the chatting, while Allison and I tried to hold back our laughter. It went something like this:
Girl: “You know, sometimes I think that, um, well, Bella just isn’t very happy.”
Me: “She seems pretty happy to me most of the time. She’s just a laid back dog.”
Girl: “No…I can tell she’s sad. Maybe you need to get a second dog to make her happy.”
Me: “She actually seems bothered around other dogs, so I don’t think that would make her very happy.”
Girl: “I know a dog that’s half yorkie and half dalmatian. I think…”
(Side Note: I would love to see a Yorkie birth a Dalmatian).
Just then, Girl’s phone rings.
Girl: “I’m at Carly’s house.” [mother talks] “You know, Carly… the neighbor.” [mother talks] “Yeah, the one with the beagle. Ok, bye.”
Me: “Does your mom need you to go home?” (fingers crossed)
Girl: “Nope!”
Then she looked outside to see Bella taking care of her business.
Girl: “Eww! Gross!”
Me: “What can I say? Bella likes to poop.”
Girl: “I bet she has diarrhea. I had diarrhea today.”
Me and Allison: ???? (in our heads and clearly expressed via our faces)
About 5 seconds later, I hear the tippity tapping of Allison on her phone and my phone alerts me that I have a text message. Before I can even read it…
Girl: “Are y’all texting each other?!?”
Allison: “Nope.”
Girl: “But I heard you texting and then Carly’s phone went off.”
Me: “That was a text from someone else.”
Girl: “Then what were you doing, Allison??”
Allison: “Just emailing people.”
Yes, we lied, for fear of being chastised by a 9 year-old.
Meanwhile, Girl is trying to get Bella to play with her. Bella’s patience is wearing thin. She eventually finds a place to sleep in peace half-way under a table.
Continuing…
Girl: “I think your dog is ¼ hound. Did you know that?”
Me: “I did not. I probably don’t even know what a hound is.”
Girl: “Did you know that my principal’s first name is Jennifer?”
Me: “Can’t say that I did.”
Allison: “Carly, don’t you need to paint tonight?”
Me: “Oh, yeah. Welp Girl, I think I’m gonna start painting now.”
Girl: “Can I help you paint??”
Me: “I don’t think so, I’ll take care of it by myself.”
Girl: “Please!”
Me: “Nah, I think it would be better for me to do it.”
Girl: “How about just one brush stroke?!”
Me: “Yeah…I don’t think so. Thanks for walking Bella, Girl.”
A couple hours later, Allison and I realized that Bella was acting very strangely. Her behavior was that of a dog who has been annoyed to the point of delirium. Then, a haunting thought: the dog wasn’t like that before Girl took her on that walk. Something happened out there. Something bad. And I’ll probably never know the truth…at least until Girl opens her mouth again.
