Stranger Danger

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11

Most of us are familiar with the phrase “don’t talk to strangers.” Well, from what I can tell, kids these days have no concept of this rule. Or maybe it doesn’t apply when there’s a friendly dog anywhere near the stranger. I don’t know. Allow me to tell you about two interactions I’ve reluctantly had with some of the kids in my neighborhood this past week:

Reluctant Interaction #1:

Remember Neighbor Girl from last year? Well, don’t you worry. There’s a new Neighbor Girl in town (we’ll call her Neighbor Girl #2, or NG#2). Actually, she’s not new at all. She used to hang out with NG#1.  NG#2 likes to pet my dog during our walks, but I don’t think we’ve ever exchanged more than a quick hello.

Anyway, while walking Bella earlier this week, NG#2 came running up to us. This is the approximate conversation that took place:

NG#2: “Hi! I remember your dog!” (Pets dog and gets all up in her grill).

CC: “Oh, yeah, I remember you petting her before.”

NG#2: “She got out that one time and my friend and I found her. We didn’t know what her name was, so we named her Crystal. Then we played with her and fed her dog food and treats!”

CC: “Huh?”

NG#2: “Yeah, we took care of her for like, 5 hours.”

CC: “I’m pretty sure that was a different dog. Mine has never gotten out before. I think one of the neighbors over there (pointing) has a dog that looks just like her. Maybe that’s the dog you’re thinking of.”

NG#2: “No, it was your dog. I know it was. Remember…there was the black man?”

CC: “No.”

NG#2: “Yeah, this nice black man came looking for her. He was driving down the street calling out for her. Don’t you remember?”

CC: “No. That definitely wasn’t my dog. Well, we better get going, bye!”

NG#2: “Bye!” (runs off)

Not Crystal.

Reluctant Interaction #2:

Midway through one of our walks last week, Bella and I came upon a group of neighborhood boys playing football.  I once passed this same group and heard one of them (about 12 years old) talking about all the girls he had dated. Hey kid, try waiting until college to date like the rest of us. Oh, maybe that was just me.

Anyway, I purposely avoided making eye contact to avoid any kind of interaction, but to no avail. Just as we started to pass them, I heard one of them shout “Can I get your number?!” I pretended I didn’t hear anything and increased my pace. He continued to shout- “Hey! I want your number!” Again, I acted as if I couldn’t hear a thing, turned my head in the opposite direction and went into full blast power walking mode. He yelled it one last time as I made my escape.

What I wanted to say was “Can a woman not walk down the street in a frumpy, ‘please, nobody look at me, I’m just trying to walk my dog so she can transition from obese to mildly overweight in a healthy manner’ outfit in peace?! Also, I’m probably old enough to be your mom, assuming I got pregnant in 7th grade. If you want to impress your friends, shouting at people you don’t know isn’t the way to do it.  Learn to break dance. Or juggle. What?! Juggling takes serious skill!  And what the heck? I’m the adult. I’m supposed to be the scary stranger that makes kids uncomfortable, not the other way around. Go inside and play with your Pogs or something.”

I still don't get it.

Yeah,  I still don’t get it.

Thanks for reading!  Now go play with your Pogs or something.

Image Source: http://www.panelsonpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/boatload-of-pogs.jpg

More Spam!

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13

It’s spam time, friends!

Ironically, I've never tried Spam (and I never will).

Ironically, I’ve never tried Spam (and I never will).

That’s right, I have more spam comments to share with you!  In case you don’t have a blog of your own, spam comments are the icing on the blogging cake.  I look forward to them almost as much as I look forward to actual icing on actual cake (but not that gross grocery store kind of icing; that’s disgusting).  I’ve copied the comments and added commentary.  By the way, I assume some of the comments were written by computers. Therefore, I hereby believe computers are hilarious.  Enjoy!

*****

“I will have the capacity to bookmark your blog and feature my children check up here generally.  I am somewhat certain they are going to be informed numerous new stuff right here than anyone else!”  Please tell me you don’t homeschool your children.

*****

“Yes I would suggest using a curler set on straight hair. I think utilizing a weave is also the option because curls would also be willing to stay longer in your hair without reapplying the process as often. If not wanting a weave, certainly you could purchase a wig. Make sure you give your hair a break between wearing a weave because I hear too often use can result to some hair loss. Our natural hair needs to breathe in between use.”  Once again, I don’t have a weave, nor do I want one.

*****

If your articles are always this helpful, “I’ll be back.”  Okay, Arnold.

*****

“An impressive share, I just given this onto a colleague who was performing just a little analysis on this. And he in reality bought me breakfast given that I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the treat! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to discuss this, I really feel strongly about it and love reading a lot more on this subject. If doable, as you become expertise, would you mind updating your weblog with additional details? It is actually highly valuable for me. Large thumb up for this blog post!”  I’m always glad to contribute to someone getting a free meal or treat…smile.  Large thumb up for your comment!

*****

“You might ask, “How do I know it is an ugly sweater?” Some people in your life will usually be kind enough to share that information with you. You could be walking out your house thinking you look pretty cute when a roommate or family member will ask you what you are wearing. This is a bad sign. Sit them down and get the truth out of them. Just because they don’t like it does not mean it is ugly. But if you are walking down the street and people are turning their head away from you in disgust, my friend, you have an ugly sweater!”  Um, if I walked down the street and people turned their heads away in disgust, I would cry.  And then I would put a paper bag over my head and run away.  Hopefully I’d remember to poke eye holes in the bag.

*****

“Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything in this way before. So good to locate somebody by original thoughts on this topic. realy thanks for beginning this up. this fabulous internet site is 1 thing that is necessary on the internet, a person with a bit of originality. beneficial project for bringing a new challenge towards internet!”  You’re welcome for beginning this up.  I really enjoy bringing challenges towards internet.  Sometimes hackers just aren’t cut out for the job.

 *****

“just want to say I am just new to blogging and site-building and absolutely savored your web page. Probably I’m likely to bookmark your site . You surely have superb stories. Many thanks for sharing with us your web-site.”  Savored?  Really?  Let’s take the pretentiousness down a notch.

*****

“Oh my goodness! an astounding article dude. Thank you Nevertheless I am experiencing concern with ur rss . Do not know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone obtaining identical rss dilemma? Anyone who knows kindly respond. Thnkx”  Dude, I still have no idea what RSS means.

*****

“I’m impressed, I need to say. Seriously rarely do I encounter a weblog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you might have hit the nail on the head. Your notion is outstanding; the issue is some thing that not enough consumers are speaking intelligently about. I’m fairly pleased that I stumbled across this in my search for some thing relating to this.”  I’m glad I just looked up the word ‘educative’ and realized it’s a real word, because I was about to make fun of that.  Close call.

*****

“You could definitely see your enthusiasm within the work you write. The sector hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. All the time go after your heart.”  “All the time go after your heart”- is that an Amy Grant song? 

*****

“My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post’s to be exactly I’m looking for.  Does one offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs?  I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write related to here. Again, awesome blog!”  I only included this one because it made me feel good about myself.  I love spam.

*****

“Bummer. You can only vote once. Carly I LOVE all the items!!! YOU truly deserve to win, I chekced out the other projects and they’re yawn I LOVE the double-fringe necklace and the feather cape AND I LOVE how you’ve styled the shoot/pics for each item. Brilliant hon, well done, keeping fingers, toes, tees, hell, even roads crossed you win!!!! xoxops. how are you now? pps. I may not comment but I’m always here checking out your brilliance.”  First of all, I didn’t enter a contest.  Second of all, if I did enter a contest, I can guarantee you I wouldn’t be doing anything with a feather cape.  Ever.

I’m sorry I couldn’t also share the spam messages I’ve recently received through personal email. Among others, there have been emails from Natalie Portman, Jennifer Aniston and the Easter Bunny.  Wow!  Unfortunately, clicking on any of those emails would be computer suicide.  I’m just dying to know what the Easter Bunny had to say though.  What a funny little guy.

If the Glove Doesn’t Fit

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23

I’ve always thought OJ Simpson and I had a lot in common.  Wait, that’s not what I meant!  Let’s start over.

From time to time, I come across a family photo that perplexes me.  This is one of them:

Ice Climbers

You’re never too young for adult male gloves. Unless you’re a 3-year-old girl.

Growing up in scenic Alaska, it wasn’t uncommon for my dad to stop the car and snap a quick photo of the great outdoors.  Apparently he didn’t believe a photo was complete unless it included one of his children or a wild animal.  Or both.*

Let’s go back to February 6, 1988, when little CC was just 3 years old.  This is how I imagine the conversation leading up to the taking of this photo went down:**

Dad:  “Wow, Carly!  Look at those guys ice climbing!  We should pull over for a picture.”

CC:  “But I don’t want to get out of the car, it’s so cold outside!”

Dad:  “Don’t worry, Carly, it’s only 10 below zero.  You’ll have fun!”

CC:  “Hmm that sounds pretty cold.  If I do it, will you buy me some orange Tic Tacs?”

Dad:  “Sure.  Let’s go!”

Mom, sitting in the front seat rolling her eyes:  “Ok, Carly…let’s put your entire snowsuit get-up on again.”

Dad:  “Great!”

Fifteen minutes later…

Dad:  “Ok, Carly, smile for Dad!”

CC:  “Dad, are we poor?”

Dad:  “No, we’re not poor.  Why did you ask that?”

CC:  “Because my gloves are made for a grown man.  Why can’t I have child-sized gloves?”

Dad:  “We can afford gloves.  Those were the ones we had in the car.  Carly, do you want to be an ice climber when you grow up?”

CC:  “Of course not, that’s dangerous!  What if they fall and crack their heads open and get hit by a passing truck and their ice picks fall onto their faces and they get wedgies from their climbing suits and a family of bears comes and eats them?!  Alaska is so scary!”

Dad:  “You’re not seeing things rationally.  Have they not covered mountain sports on Sesame Street, yet?  If you don’t want to be an ice climber, what do you want to be?  A park ranger?  A hunting guide?  A professional whitewater rafter?”

CC:  “No, I’m gonna be an accountant!  Counting is fun!  1, 2, 3, 6, 10…this is boring.”

Dad:  “I guess that’s cool.  Ok, stand right over there…perfect!”

CC:  “Dad, I feel that I’m freakishly tall for a 3-year-old.  Am I taking growth hormones?”

Dad:  “No, honey, you’re not taking growth hormones.  What exactly are they teaching you on Sesame Street, anyway?”

CC:  “Dad, why do I look like a Care Bear?”

Dad:  “Sweetie, this is the ‘80’s.  That’s what people do.  They dress their kids like Care Bears.  When you’re older and have kids of your own, people will live vicariously through their daughters and turn them into mini pageant queens.  Promise me you won’t do that?”

CC:  “Ok, I promise.  Um, Dad?  When I’m grown up, will I have an aversion to things touching my neck because the top of my snowsuit is tied so tightly around my neck right now?”

Dad:  “Probably.  Smile!”

CC:  “I have to go potty!”

Click.

*See future posts.  Wow, we have so much to talk about.

**Awful sentence structure, I know.  Eh, don’t care.