CC’s Snippets: #4

Hello there!  It’s so nice to see you!  How’s the baby?  How’s the dog?  How’s your credit score?  And your retirement fund?  What?!  I care about your financial well-being!

Ok, fine.  Enough with the pleasantries.  Just say it.  You can’t believe I’ve abandoned you.  For the last 104 days, you’ve gone to bed wondering if tomorrow will be the day I finally post something new on the ol’ blog.  The following morn’, upon realizing the answer is no, you shake your fists in the air, shout “Why, CC?! Why?!” and shed a single, slow-rolling tear.

Wait, what’s that, you say?  You forgot I had a blog and haven’t visited since the last post?  Well, this is awkward.  I’m sure there’s a logical explanation.  I’ve got it!  I bet your internet broke!  Or, you took a pledge to never read again, kind of like an elementary school reading pledge, except…the opposite.  Or you had a freak accident, slipped into a coma and awoke with a hatred for all things fun, including wasting time reading semi-entertaining blogs.

You know what?  Let’s not rehash the past.  I’ll forgive you for forgetting about me and you’ll forgive me for putting aside blogging to tend to real life (watching more HGTV than usual).  See?  Easy.  And speaking of real life, here are some funnyish tidbits from the last few months:

Funniest song purchased:  “Every Little Step” by Bobby Brown.  I think we can agree the album artwork is more valuable than the actual song.  Nobody can pull off a turtle neck / suit combo quite like Mr. Brown.

All hail the flattop!

Funniest voicemail received: (from my dad)  “Hey, there’s a story on NPR, radio station 90.1, called ‘Can I touch your hair?’ and I thought about you because I know you have people do that.  Anyway, I just thought you’d find it funny.  Ok, see ya later, bye.”

Funniest (and saddest) rose bush grown in my backyard:

Rose

Let’s pretend this sad rose bush isn’t surrounded by other sad, dying plants.

Funniest way I’ve damaged my car after boasting about my amazing driving skills last year (this is a four-way tie among the following events):

  • Backing into a pole in a parking garage.
  • Slamming my car door into my hip because I forgot to move out of the way first.  I think I came dangerously close to breaking a hip at 28.  That definitely would’ve confirmed my early-onset elderliness.
  • Hitting the side view mirror of a parked car and somehow convincing the car owner it was more his fault than mine.  Actually, I still think I’m right.  He was parked illegally.
  • Accidentally driving over a concrete parking spot barrier because I didn’t stop to think “Hey self, there might be one of those concrete parking spot barriers in front of your car.  Maybe you shouldn’t hit the gas so hard that your car lands on top of the barrier before you have time to realize what’s happened.  Or, better yet, maybe you should back out of the spot like a normal person.   And also, as long as you’re talking to yourself, don’t forget to buy milk.  You’re almost out.”

Funniest photo of my adorably chunky nephew Hatcher, who happens to believe in helmet safety just like his Aunt CC:

I hope he wore sunscreen. Nobody likes a running stroller tan line.

Funniest amount of progress I’ve made reading “Football for Dummies” (remember that unrealistic goal I set for myself?):  31 pages out of 344.  Hey, calm down.  I still have some time before college football starts up again.  I’ll just need to sign up for a speed reading class.  Or a “train yourself to care about stuff you will probably never care about” class.

Funniest email received from a utility company containing what seemed a lot like a pickup line:

Creepy.

Funniest picture someone’s sent me that makes me laugh every time I see it and therefore probably won’t be deleted from my phone anytime soon, oh, and I’m sorry for this run-on sentence: 

I wonder if her hair stylist received a fine.

Well, that’s all for now.  Hopefully we’ll meet again sometime in the not-so-distant future.  But, let’s be honest.  It all depends on what’s on TV when I happen to find some blogging time.  You kids take care!

Stranger Danger

Most of us are familiar with the phrase “don’t talk to strangers.” Well, from what I can tell, kids these days have no concept of this rule. Or maybe it doesn’t apply when there’s a friendly dog anywhere near the stranger. I don’t know. Allow me to tell you about two interactions I’ve reluctantly had with some of the kids in my neighborhood this past week:

Reluctant Interaction #1:

Remember Neighbor Girl from last year? Well, don’t you worry. There’s a new Neighbor Girl in town (we’ll call her Neighbor Girl #2, or NG#2). Actually, she’s not new at all. She used to hang out with NG#1.  NG#2 likes to pet my dog during our walks, but I don’t think we’ve ever exchanged more than a quick hello.

Anyway, while walking Bella earlier this week, NG#2 came running up to us. This is the approximate conversation that took place:

NG#2: “Hi! I remember your dog!” (Pets dog and gets all up in her grill).

CC: “Oh, yeah, I remember you petting her before.”

NG#2: “She got out that one time and my friend and I found her. We didn’t know what her name was, so we named her Crystal. Then we played with her and fed her dog food and treats!”

CC: “Huh?”

NG#2: “Yeah, we took care of her for like, 5 hours.”

CC: “I’m pretty sure that was a different dog. Mine has never gotten out before. I think one of the neighbors over there (pointing) has a dog that looks just like her. Maybe that’s the dog you’re thinking of.”

NG#2: “No, it was your dog. I know it was. Remember…there was the black man?”

CC: “No.”

NG#2: “Yeah, this nice black man came looking for her. He was driving down the street calling out for her. Don’t you remember?”

CC: “No. That definitely wasn’t my dog. Well, we better get going, bye!”

NG#2: “Bye!” (runs off)

Not Crystal.

Reluctant Interaction #2:

Midway through one of our walks last week, Bella and I came upon a group of neighborhood boys playing football.  I once passed this same group and heard one of them (about 12 years old) talking about all the girls he had dated. Hey kid, try waiting until college to date like the rest of us. Oh, maybe that was just me.

Anyway, I purposely avoided making eye contact to avoid any kind of interaction, but to no avail. Just as we started to pass them, I heard one of them shout “Can I get your number?!” I pretended I didn’t hear anything and increased my pace. He continued to shout- “Hey! I want your number!” Again, I acted as if I couldn’t hear a thing, turned my head in the opposite direction and went into full blast power walking mode. He yelled it one last time as I made my escape.

What I wanted to say was “Can a woman not walk down the street in a frumpy, ‘please, nobody look at me, I’m just trying to walk my dog so she can transition from obese to mildly overweight in a healthy manner’ outfit in peace?! Also, I’m probably old enough to be your mom, assuming I got pregnant in 7th grade. If you want to impress your friends, shouting at people you don’t know isn’t the way to do it.  Learn to break dance. Or juggle. What?! Juggling takes serious skill!  And what the heck? I’m the adult. I’m supposed to be the scary stranger that makes kids uncomfortable, not the other way around. Go inside and play with your Pogs or something.”

I still don't get it.

Yeah,  I still don’t get it.

Thanks for reading!  Now go play with your Pogs or something.

Image Source: http://www.panelsonpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/boatload-of-pogs.jpg

More Spam!

It’s spam time, friends!

Ironically, I've never tried Spam (and I never will).

Ironically, I’ve never tried Spam (and I never will).

That’s right, I have more spam comments to share with you!  In case you don’t have a blog of your own, spam comments are the icing on the blogging cake.  I look forward to them almost as much as I look forward to actual icing on actual cake (but not that gross grocery store kind of icing; that’s disgusting).  I’ve copied the comments and added commentary.  By the way, I assume some of the comments were written by computers. Therefore, I hereby believe computers are hilarious.  Enjoy!

*****

“I will have the capacity to bookmark your blog and feature my children check up here generally.  I am somewhat certain they are going to be informed numerous new stuff right here than anyone else!”  Please tell me you don’t homeschool your children.

*****

“Yes I would suggest using a curler set on straight hair. I think utilizing a weave is also the option because curls would also be willing to stay longer in your hair without reapplying the process as often. If not wanting a weave, certainly you could purchase a wig. Make sure you give your hair a break between wearing a weave because I hear too often use can result to some hair loss. Our natural hair needs to breathe in between use.”  Once again, I don’t have a weave, nor do I want one.

*****

If your articles are always this helpful, “I’ll be back.”  Okay, Arnold.

*****

“An impressive share, I just given this onto a colleague who was performing just a little analysis on this. And he in reality bought me breakfast given that I found it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the treat! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to discuss this, I really feel strongly about it and love reading a lot more on this subject. If doable, as you become expertise, would you mind updating your weblog with additional details? It is actually highly valuable for me. Large thumb up for this blog post!”  I’m always glad to contribute to someone getting a free meal or treat…smile.  Large thumb up for your comment!

*****

“You might ask, “How do I know it is an ugly sweater?” Some people in your life will usually be kind enough to share that information with you. You could be walking out your house thinking you look pretty cute when a roommate or family member will ask you what you are wearing. This is a bad sign. Sit them down and get the truth out of them. Just because they don’t like it does not mean it is ugly. But if you are walking down the street and people are turning their head away from you in disgust, my friend, you have an ugly sweater!”  Um, if I walked down the street and people turned their heads away in disgust, I would cry.  And then I would put a paper bag over my head and run away.  Hopefully I’d remember to poke eye holes in the bag.

*****

“Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything in this way before. So good to locate somebody by original thoughts on this topic. realy thanks for beginning this up. this fabulous internet site is 1 thing that is necessary on the internet, a person with a bit of originality. beneficial project for bringing a new challenge towards internet!”  You’re welcome for beginning this up.  I really enjoy bringing challenges towards internet.  Sometimes hackers just aren’t cut out for the job.

 *****

“just want to say I am just new to blogging and site-building and absolutely savored your web page. Probably I’m likely to bookmark your site . You surely have superb stories. Many thanks for sharing with us your web-site.”  Savored?  Really?  Let’s take the pretentiousness down a notch.

*****

“Oh my goodness! an astounding article dude. Thank you Nevertheless I am experiencing concern with ur rss . Do not know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone obtaining identical rss dilemma? Anyone who knows kindly respond. Thnkx”  Dude, I still have no idea what RSS means.

*****

“I’m impressed, I need to say. Seriously rarely do I encounter a weblog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you might have hit the nail on the head. Your notion is outstanding; the issue is some thing that not enough consumers are speaking intelligently about. I’m fairly pleased that I stumbled across this in my search for some thing relating to this.”  I’m glad I just looked up the word ‘educative’ and realized it’s a real word, because I was about to make fun of that.  Close call.

*****

“You could definitely see your enthusiasm within the work you write. The sector hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. All the time go after your heart.”  “All the time go after your heart”- is that an Amy Grant song? 

*****

“My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post’s to be exactly I’m looking for.  Does one offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs?  I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on most of the subjects you write related to here. Again, awesome blog!”  I only included this one because it made me feel good about myself.  I love spam.

*****

“Bummer. You can only vote once. Carly I LOVE all the items!!! YOU truly deserve to win, I chekced out the other projects and they’re yawn I LOVE the double-fringe necklace and the feather cape AND I LOVE how you’ve styled the shoot/pics for each item. Brilliant hon, well done, keeping fingers, toes, tees, hell, even roads crossed you win!!!! xoxops. how are you now? pps. I may not comment but I’m always here checking out your brilliance.”  First of all, I didn’t enter a contest.  Second of all, if I did enter a contest, I can guarantee you I wouldn’t be doing anything with a feather cape.  Ever.

I’m sorry I couldn’t also share the spam messages I’ve recently received through personal email. Among others, there have been emails from Natalie Portman, Jennifer Aniston and the Easter Bunny.  Wow!  Unfortunately, clicking on any of those emails would be computer suicide.  I’m just dying to know what the Easter Bunny had to say though.  What a funny little guy.