Monthly Archives: September 2011

For the Love of the Brain

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I think we can all agree on one thing: the brain is important, nay, vital to the functioning of the human body.  So, riddle me this…why aren’t we doing more to safeguard our precious noggins?

The American people have long believed that helmets are the best method to protect against brain injury while bicycling.  But friends, since when is riding a bike more dangerous than so many other activities we engage in on a regular basis?  I argue that it’s not.

A few months ago, an ominous storm was rolling in and everyone in the city was preparing for the worst.  The power had gone out at my house and I received several text messages warning me that there were tornadoes spotted in my area (I’ll go ahead and add “weather radio” to my shopping list right now).  I took my flashlight, bottle of water and Wheat Thins and hunkered down in my bedroom closet.  The tornado sirens were blaring.  I was afraid, but I knew I would be okay, for I was wearing my helmet.*

And you know what?  I was right.  I attribute this primarily to the fact that a tornado did not hit my house, but also because I had taken the proper precautions by protecting my head.

I’ve been thinking about this ever since and have compiled a rather extensive list of occasions in which the use of a helmet may prevent injury.  Many of these are based on personal experiences.  While reading, please try to think of how a helmet could have helped you during situations similar to those mentioned below:

  • Natural disasters:
    • Earthquakes
    • Hurricanes
    • Tornadoes
    • Dust storms
  • Shopping:
    • $1 flip-flop day at Old Navy
    • Fighting the crowds during the holidays
    • Walmart
  • Outdoors:
    • Sledding
    • Being attacked by a wild animal
    • Falling off the side of a mountain
    • Snow machining
  • Driving a:
    • Car
    • Boat
    • Train
    • Tractor
  • Fun:
    • Roller-coasters
    • Bowling
    • Games:
      • Twister
      • Darts
      • Red Rover
  • Housework:
    • Changing light bulbs
    • Roof repair
    • Painting
    • Climbing on a ladder or counter

      Decorating can be dangerous! Wear your helmet!

  • Sports:
    • Baseball
    • Skiing
      • Regular
      • Water
    • Gymnastics
    • Basketball
    • Golf
      • Regular
      • Mini
    • Tetherball
  • Flying in a:
    • Plane
    • Helicopter
    • Rocket ship
  • Exercising:
    • Treadmill
    • Elliptical
    • Kick-boxing class
    • Stationary bike
  • Fights:
    • Food
    • Bar
    • Gun
    • Cat
  • Jumping:
    • On  a pogo-stick
    • On a trampoline
    • Rope
    • For joy
  • Miscellaneous:
    • Showering
    • Sitting back in your chair at school
    • Wearing high-heels
    • Standing anywhere near others who are playing sports
    • Sleeping

I hate to think that so many innocent people may endure unnecessary trauma simply because they haven’t taken the proper precautions. Therefore, I officially propose that all human beings wear a helmet 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I realize that this will not be a popular sentiment.  But you know what I learned from Albert Einstein and a poster on the wall in junior high?  “What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right.”  Think about that.

Every once in a while, I’ll invite my parents’ dog, Coco, to stay at my house for a few days (in lieu of owning my very own dog).  She came for a visit last weekend and had a bit of an accident. She slammed her head into the corner of my glass coffee-table.  I quickly decided the need for helmets is not limited to human-kind.  Here are the types of accidents in which a helmet may benefit your furry friend:

  • Getting hit by a car (I know this is sad, but it’s a very real part of life)
  • Falling off the couch while trying to get comfortable
  • Running into the wall or household objects while:
    • Playing
    • Being blind
  • Actual cat fight

While I believe the use of the helmet is a no-brainer (pun intended), I also understand that you may have some superficial concerns.  You needn’t worry though.  I’ve found that most circumstances can be improved by incorporating a bit of creativity, and this situation is no exception.  You may be concerned that while wearing your helmet, your gorgeous hair will be hidden, unable to blow in the wind.  I’ve taken the liberty of doing a little research and have developed a method that will protect your head while also helping to retain your beauty.  See examples below:

The Everyday Look

can be worn at the office, out to dinner, shopping

So Stylish!

The Relaxed Look

can be worn watching TV, reading, knitting

“I didn’t even notice there was a helmet under her ‘do!”

Instructions for obtaining a beautiful helmet head:  buy a helmet with holes in the top, pull your hair through the holes, style as usual.  Would you look at that?  Your helmet is almost completely concealed beneath your beautiful hair-do! You’re safe, yet stunning!

Now, even if you don’t believe that you look beautiful in your new helmet, I know you’ll decide that enduring a little humiliation is worth it in the end.  Friends, danger is all around us.  You can’t be careful enough.  Please, purchase a helmet and wear it often.  And most importantly, have fun discovering ways to wear your helmet!

*I got the idea from a co-worker who said that he regularly found his girlfriend wearing her helmet during tornado warnings.  I found it to be hilarious at first, but then realized it was actually brilliant.

The Definition of Perfection: Travis Stork

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Hey everyone!  How are things?  Great!  Same here.

I would like to introduce you to someone. His name is Travis Stork. He’s my celebrity crush and he is perfect. I know it’s a little premature, but I’ve decided that I’ll say “yes” when he asks me to marry him. Yes, I said when. Allow me to provide a few visuals and then I’ll tell you more about him.

                        

Travis was first launched into the media spotlight several years ago when he starred in the popular reality show, “The Bachelor.” For a number of well-founded reasons, I have always protested against this show and, therefore, have never seen it.*  Now that I’m more familiar with my future husband’s story, it’s no surprise that he was chosen to be the star.

Here are Travis’ stats:

  • Occupation: Doctor and TV personality
  • Birthplace: Colorado
  • Age: 39 (about 7 years older than I thought- I’ll make an exception just this once)
  • Hobbies: Being perfect

I first got to know Travis when his current show, “The Doctors,” began a few years ago. On this daytime television hit, he and three other doctors discuss all kinds of medical-related topics. As you probably already guessed based on my past post, “Child Frozen in Time,” this is one of my go-to’s on the DVR.  Travis always has helpful, medically responsible insights.  This is in stark contrast to one of his co-hosts, Dr. Drew Ordon, a plastic surgeon who is usually trying to convince viewers that altering their bodies is the solution to every problem.  I’m not a big fan of Dr. Ordon.  I actually like his personality, but he reeks of unnaturalness.  Approximately 60 years old, Dr. Ordon maintains a dark orange tan, has had his fair share of plastic surgery (so obvious) and does this weird winking thing that makes me uncomfortable.  See for yourself: 

But I digress.  Like all perfect people, Travis has high degrees of both inner and outer beauty.  He’s charming, yet humble; down to earth, yet not too granola.  He’s also confident, but not arrogant.  I refer to this as the “holy grail of dating.”  It’s very rare.  Travis clearly takes care of himself and has numerous superficially attractive qualities (excellent height, striking eyes, the most mesmerizing smile).   More importantly, he meets all of the requirements for being my future husband:

  • Funny
  • Employed
  • Not an idiot

There are also a few bonuses:

  • He likes dogs
  • I bet he would be helpful around the house (willing to take out the trash, do the dishes, etc.)
  • He’s essentially a walking, talking www.webmd.com

I think if I had to pick my favorite quality, it would be his love of health care. It demonstrates that he has a kind heart and wants to help others. And I mean, shoot…I go to the doctor all the time. Clearly we have a lot in common. It’s baffling that we haven’t met in real life given that we’re soul mates.**  He has really captured my heart.

 

 I can just picture the two of us on our first date. We would be enjoying a magical dinner under the stars, laughing, having a great time, and discussing a wide range of illnesses for hours-on-end. I would convince him to play “name that disease,” in which he would provide a list of symptoms and I would have to identify the ailment in question. How romantic! I would also beg him to put pressure on the medical community to find a cure for curly hair. And you know what? I would even let him wear his scrubs on our date (refer to previous post entitled “My Date with Prince Charming”).

A while back, my roommate Allison and I were watching an episode of “The Doctors” when she revealed something quite extraordinary. Like me, Allison is also a huge klutz. A few years ago, while snow-boarding in Colorado, she took a dreadful spill. She started speaking gibberish and it was soon discovered that she had sustained a concussion. She was thrown into an ambulance and taken to a nearby hospital. Upon arrival, she was treated by none other than the Travis Stork. This was incredible! She was so lucky! I was instantly overcome with jealousy. This was my dream come true and it had been realized not by me, but by my own friend! But then, I remembered something. Doctors aren’t supposed to date their patients! Ha! She was no longer in the running and my chances of marrying him remained at a staggering .0000001%. Phew, that was a close one.

You’re probably wondering how I plan to meet him.  Don’t worry, I’ve come up with a few ideas:

1)      Figure out where he lives, attach a GPS tracking device to his car, wait for him to take a random ER job in Colorado, go to nearby mountain, try skiing for the first time, wait for inevitable concussion-inducing fall to occur, meet him while at hospital.

Potential problems: 

  • Not original
  • May be unconscious, thus unable to win him over

 2)      Make up an unbelievable medical problem, submit it to his show, accept invitation to appear as a guest, instead of explaining problem as expected, try to get to get him to ask me out during the 30-second segment.   

Potential problems:

  • He’ll think I’m just some ordinary viewer rather than seeing that I’m the true love of his life
  • The show might use Skype rather than bringing me to the set; this could be detrimental to creating a memorable first impression

3)      Go to medical school, get a job in the ER where Travis works, get his attention by making a joke about how we’re both life savers while simultaneously handing him a candy life-saver, have meaningful conversations while performing long, grueling surgeries together (like they do in the medical dramas).

Potential problems:

  • Expensive
  • Don’t really feel like going back to school

Actually, now that I’ve thought these through a little more, I’m not crazy about any of them.  I think instead I’ll let fate do its job.  However, if you witness me experiencing any kind of medical emergency,  you may assist in my efforts by making sure I am taken to whichever hospital Travis is working at that day.  Please keep in mind that I would prefer to be driven by a friend or family member, as the costs associated with ambulance rides are outrageous.

*This topic will require its own post

**I don’t actually believe in soul mates

Tragic Update: Friends, I have terrible news. While Googling Travis’ name today, I came across something I hoped I would never have to see. Travis is engaged. To another woman. I expect to be in mourning for the foreseeable future. Please, no visitors.

Hold me!

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I think it’s safe to say that I’ve always had a bit of a clumsy streak. Well, that’s putting it mildly. Truthfully, I’m like a bull in a china shop. Since I can remember, my depth perception has been all out of whack and my gangly limbs always seem to be getting in the way. While I usually bear the brunt of my own wrath, there are others who have crossed my path of destruction and, as a result, have sustained considerable injury.

The year was 1989.  My family and I were visiting some friends at their house. Everyone was having a marvelous time. All of us kids were playing gleefully together and the grown-ups were chatting it up in the kitchen. I’m sure they were discussing the reasons they loved children and wished to have many more. That is, until disaster struck.

I had grown tired of playing and wanted my mother to pick me up. She refused, as she was busy enjoying the company of her friends. Now, I’m not proud of this, but I’ll admit I can be stubborn at times. I had made up my mind and nothing was going to change it. I wanted to be held. I imagined it would look something like this:

I persisted. I repeatedly begged my mother to hold me, until finally she agreed. Unfortunately, I was already mid-jump when she reached down to grasp me. With all the force of your average 4-year-old child, I lunged straight up into her face. I knew I had done something terrible, but it was too late. There was no turning back. The screaming started. I’m not sure who was louder, me or my mom. Then I noticed the blood. Oh, the blood!  Everyone huddled around and worked to remedy the situation. What had I done?? All I wanted was to be embraced!

The verdict came down and it was not good. I had broken my mother’s nose. For shame! I felt awful. I made myself think long and hard about my actions. I don’t recall being punished by my parents, likely because I was just so darn cute (this was prior to the on-set of my lengthy awkward stage).

I remember having worn one of those ponytail holders with the little plastic, colored balls at the end at the time of the accident (see picture below). Only, my hair wasn’t in a normal ponytail. The holder was attached to the top of my head. I choose to believe this is what caused the majority of the damage. 

If I thought the incident itself was bad, the aftermath was even worse. Not long after, the swelling started and was followed by horrendous bruising. It was ghastly. I’m sure you’re trying to visualize this in your head. Having trouble? That’s okay, friend. I have obtained a photograph to help:

Calm down, it’s just a picture. It can’t hurt you.

While it was painful at the time (for her, not me), this event is now a treasured memory in our family. It has provided a great deal of joy and laughter over the years. Granted, it’s usually at my mother’s expense, but I’m sure she wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, like any normal parent would, she probably loves telling the story of that time her young daughter gave her two black eyes.

I have not caused harm to anyone else’s face since then. Now that I’m older, I regret one thing. I didn’t have the common sense to use this situation for my own benefit. If my mother had said “Carly, it’s time for bed,” I could have shown her who’s boss by replying with “It’s about to be lights out for someone and it’s certainly not me.” Likewise, if she had said “Carly, clean your room,” I could have avoided this by saying “Mom, you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’.” If only I hadn’t been such a sweet girl.

Note:  Don’t worry, my mom gave me permission to use the scary image above.