Hi friends!

There are several things happening on Facebook these days that I simply cannot condone. I call these “Facebook crimes.” If you have a friend (“suspect”) who is guilty of committing one or more of these wrongs, please advise them of their mistakes so that the rest of us can Facebook in peace. If, on the other hand, you realize that you are the perpetrator, please step away from the keyboard and think about what you have done (in a corner if at all possible). Once your time-out is over, you may join the rest of us in Facebookland again. You may also take a sticker.

Crime #1- The serial status updater: If you update your status more than 3 times per day on a regular basis, there’s a real good chance you will soon be blocked from my news feed. If you update more than 5 times per day, you’re going to be de-friended. We have a no-tolerance policy here.

Crime #2- Spelling skills that would make a monkey shudder: I joined the Facebook community long ago, at a time in which the only method of conveying what you were currently doing was to post it on a friend’s wall, most of us couldn’t imagine our parents being our friends (eww!) and this magical thing called “face recognition” didn’t exist. Because only college students could join, it was a grammatical paradise. Misspellings were rare and people tried to avoid sounding completely ignorant. Now, let’s fast-forward about 7 years later. Things have changed. The general population is now welcome. Misspellings here, misspellings there. It’s like doing your grocery shopping at a Kroger for years and then being forced to shop at Walmart (trust me, I’m cheap, I know). It’s anarchy. Perhaps it’s time for Facebook to either install spell-checking software or institute certain requirements for joining, such as passing a minimum IQ test, or at the very least, passing a 1^st grade spelling test. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect when it comes to spelling (evidenced by the dictionary.com app. on my phone), but something has gone terribly wrong when flocks of people can’t differentiate between the correct uses of “to”, “too” and “two.” Don’t even get me started on “2.”

Crime #3- The “They can’t hear you!” status updates: Please don’t send messages via status updates to those who do not have a Facebook account or who cannot read. Examples: your 3 year-old child, your unborn child, your dog. They can’t hear you and chances are, they don’t have the cognitive ability to understand anything you’re saying. Example: “Hello my precious baby girl, we can’t wait to meet you!” They don’t get wi-fi in the womb. Please keep that within the confines of the baby book.

Crime #4- Adding extra letters to the end of words: I’ve noticed a new trend, in which several letters are added to the end of words. This is allowed on occasion, say, if you were trying to express emotion. However, it serves no purpose when used in a normal, plain vanilla sentence. Example: “Goinggg to the mallll to pick uppp some newww short shortttts.” Apparently this is very popular with the kids. I don’t get it and I don’t like it. Stop.

Crime #5- The kissy face photo: This is when a girl puckers up her lips to make a kissy face. It’s usually made into a profile picture. This is very common among females ages 16-30. I believe it’s done to make the girl’s cheek bones appear more defined, which, in theory, should then cause the opposite sex to find her more feminine and attractive. It’s not working. And you look like a duck. The horror is amplified ten-fold when a male does it.

Crime #6- The vague status update: If you have something deep and depressing to say, please, just say it. I know you’re trying to get attention with comments like “it’s just too hard” or “so this is how it’s gonna be?” or “I knew it was too good to be true.” Well, trust me, you’ve succeeded. I’m paying attention and I’m now thinking “I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean and I don’t care. And this person is not my favorite.” I get it, girls go through a “figuring out who you are ” period in their teens and maybe their early twenties. You can get away with this for a little while, because chances are, your friends will fall right into your trap and reply with comments such as “What happeneddd? Are you okayyy??” However, if you’re older than 22 years old, it’s no longer acceptable. For those of you ready to transition out of the vague status update stage, let’s go through an exercise. This should help you make the leap from annoying to not-quite-as-annoying.

If you decide to make a comment such as “life just isn’t the same anymore,” there are several possible alternatives, depending on the message you’re trying to convey:

• “I dumped my boyfriend, but we’ll be getting back together in a few days, so you can just ignore this.”
• “My boyfriend dumped me and I feel sorry for myself.”
• “My boyfriend dumped me and now I don’t have anyone to help me move.”
• “I can’t find the remote control. I had to get up to change the channel. Life is really hard.”

Crime #7- The “Lost in Translation” status update: If you are an English-speaking American and 99% of your friends are neither foreign nor fluent in another language, put a lid on the non-English status updates. This is a crime typically committed by college-aged girls whose parents have paid for them to travel around Europe for the summer. Girls, you know good and well most of us can’t understand what you’ve written. I may not speak French, but I can tell by that little emoticon at the end of your sentence that you’re trying to sound cultured and poetic. Well guess what? ¿Que hora es? ¡Hola! ¡Necesito ir al baño!

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading, thanks for coming. Now off you go, it’s time to educate your loved ones and delete all those kissy face photos.