Hey everyone! How are things? Great! Same here.
I would like to introduce you to someone. His name is Travis Stork. He’s my celebrity crush and he is perfect. I know it’s a little premature, but I’ve decided that I’ll say “yes” when he asks me to marry him. Yes, I said when. Allow me to provide a few visuals and then I’ll tell you more about him.
Travis was first launched into the media spotlight several years ago when he starred in the popular reality show, “The Bachelor.” For a number of well-founded reasons, I have always protested against this show and, therefore, have never seen it.* Now that I’m more familiar with my future husband’s story, it’s no surprise that he was chosen to be the star.
Here are Travis’ stats:
- Occupation: Doctor and TV personality
- Birthplace: Colorado
- Age: 39 (about 7 years older than I thought- I’ll make an exception just this once)
- Hobbies: Being perfect
I first got to know Travis when his current show, “The Doctors,” began a few years ago. On this daytime television hit, he and three other doctors discuss all kinds of medical-related topics. As you probably already guessed based on my past post, “Child Frozen in Time,” this is one of my go-to’s on the DVR. Travis always has helpful, medically responsible insights. This is in stark contrast to one of his co-hosts, Dr. Drew Ordon, a plastic surgeon who is usually trying to convince viewers that altering their bodies is the solution to every problem. I’m not a big fan of Dr. Ordon. I actually like his personality, but he reeks of unnaturalness. Approximately 60 years old, Dr. Ordon maintains a dark orange tan, has had his fair share of plastic surgery (so obvious) and does this weird winking thing that makes me uncomfortable. See for yourself:
But I digress. Like all perfect people, Travis has high degrees of both inner and outer beauty. He’s charming, yet humble; down to earth, yet not too granola. He’s also confident, but not arrogant. I refer to this as the “holy grail of dating.” It’s very rare. Travis clearly takes care of himself and has numerous superficially attractive qualities (excellent height, striking eyes, the most mesmerizing smile). More importantly, he meets all of the requirements for being my future husband:
- Not an idiot
There are also a few bonuses:
- He likes dogs
- I bet he would be helpful around the house (willing to take out the trash, do the dishes, etc.)
- He’s essentially a walking, talking www.webmd.com
I think if I had to pick my favorite quality, it would be his love of health care. It demonstrates that he has a kind heart and wants to help others. And I mean, shoot…I go to the doctor all the time. Clearly we have a lot in common. It’s baffling that we haven’t met in real life given that we’re soul mates.** He has really captured my heart.
I can just picture the two of us on our first date. We would be enjoying a magical dinner under the stars, laughing, having a great time, and discussing a wide range of illnesses for hours-on-end. I would convince him to play “name that disease,” in which he would provide a list of symptoms and I would have to identify the ailment in question. How romantic! I would also beg him to put pressure on the medical community to find a cure for curly hair. And you know what? I would even let him wear his scrubs on our date (refer to previous post entitled “My Date with Prince Charming”).
A while back, my roommate Allison and I were watching an episode of “The Doctors” when she revealed something quite extraordinary. Like me, Allison is also a huge klutz. A few years ago, while snow-boarding in Colorado, she took a dreadful spill. She started speaking gibberish and it was soon discovered that she had sustained a concussion. She was thrown into an ambulance and taken to a nearby hospital. Upon arrival, she was treated by none other than the Travis Stork. This was incredible! She was so lucky! I was instantly overcome with jealousy. This was my dream come true and it had been realized not by me, but by my own friend! But then, I remembered something. Doctors aren’t supposed to date their patients! Ha! She was no longer in the running and my chances of marrying him remained at a staggering .0000001%. Phew, that was a close one.
You’re probably wondering how I plan to meet him. Don’t worry, I’ve come up with a few ideas:
1) Figure out where he lives, attach a GPS tracking device to his car, wait for him to take a random ER job in Colorado, go to nearby mountain, try skiing for the first time, wait for inevitable concussion-inducing fall to occur, meet him while at hospital.
- Not original
- May be unconscious, thus unable to win him over
2) Make up an unbelievable medical problem, submit it to his show, accept invitation to appear as a guest, instead of explaining problem as expected, try to get to get him to ask me out during the 30-second segment.
- He’ll think I’m just some ordinary viewer rather than seeing that I’m the true love of his life
- The show might use Skype rather than bringing me to the set; this could be detrimental to creating a memorable first impression
3) Go to medical school, get a job in the ER where Travis works, get his attention by making a joke about how we’re both life savers while simultaneously handing him a candy life-saver, have meaningful conversations while performing long, grueling surgeries together (like they do in the medical dramas).
- Don’t really feel like going back to school
Actually, now that I’ve thought these through a little more, I’m not crazy about any of them. I think instead I’ll let fate do its job. However, if you witness me experiencing any kind of medical emergency, you may assist in my efforts by making sure I am taken to whichever hospital Travis is working at that day. Please keep in mind that I would prefer to be driven by a friend or family member, as the costs associated with ambulance rides are outrageous.
*This topic will require its own post
**I don’t actually believe in soul mates
Tragic Update: Friends, I have terrible news. While Googling Travis’ name today, I came across something I hoped I would never have to see. Travis is engaged. To another woman. I expect to be in mourning for the foreseeable future. Please, no visitors.