If there’s one thing Martin Luther King, Jr. taught us, it’s that we can all have a dream (I interpret this to also mean “dreams”). Whether it’s graduating from college, climbing Mt. Everest or furthering the civil rights cause, we all have something we aspire to achieve.
This evening I was reminded of my very own long-since developed dream. I had just taken the life of a spider by smashing it in a rather violent manner (and then dousing it in Black Flag when I saw remaining signs of life). It was my own fault that he was in the house. Coco was staying over and I left the back door open for her to wander in and out at her leisure. After coming inside for the 12th time in the last hour, I saw her trying to paw at something under the recliner.* I took a gander and saw a small beetle squirming through the carpet. Having just killed a similar creature, I could understand her desire to remove this pest.
In order to get to the bug, the chair would have to be moved. My moving the chair for the sole purpose of bug-murder seemed a bit extreme, but I had to do it for the pup. I also didn’t want this thing crawling around my house all willy-nilly. I mean come on, people sleep here.
As I lifted the chair, I was surprised by how light it was. This doesn’t make any sense since I’ve moved it several times before and should know its approximate weight by now. (You get used to doing such man-tasks when being a husbandless home owner). Anyway, as I set the chair down, I was reminded of an idea I came up with long ago. It was similar to the lifting of the chair, but on a much grander (and cooler) scale.
This fantastic dream developed as a result of the pairing of two things:
1) My ability to think up ridiculous, yet brilliant ideas (according to myself)
2) My abnormally alert nature, which causes me to have cat-like reflexes and adrenaline rushes of an above average frequency and intensity (according to myself)
I was a teenager at the time and most likely, adrenaline had just been flowing through my veins as a result of one of the following completely harmless events:
- Being startled by the sound of a car door shutting 16 houses down
- Jumping on the trampoline in an upward, non-eventful fashion
- Tripping on something, which would inevitably turn out to be nothing
I don’t recall how the conversation started, but I told my mother that I would like to lift a car off the ground one day. Yes, you heard correctly- an automobile.
You’re probably wondering how a woman who resembles Olive Oil (the Popeye character, not the actual oil) could ever pull off such a feat. I’ll tell you how. When humans are pushed to their limits, they can achieve the unthinkable, including lifting cars off the ground. It’s happened before, but only to a very lucky few.
I know this because every time I see a story about a car-lifting rescue on the news, I feel compelled to send the link to my family as proof that it is possible. Sure, most of those involved in these stories are usually twice my size and are often assisted by several other people, but still. It’s possible. Check out the links below if you, too, are skeptical:
I felt that with my ability to generate adrenaline rather easily there had to be an untapped power source within me. I explained to my mother that all I needed was a significant jolt of adrenaline. But how would I obtain this?
I knew that an ordinary scare wouldn’t do the trick. No, something really big would have to take place. I needed to be in the presence of a near-tragedy in order to set off my survival-mode instincts. This is where I encountered my first hurdle. How could I know that something potentially devastating was going to occur without causing it myself? I thought about setting a house on fire or letting a shark loose in a swimming pool full of children, but eventually decided both of these would be in poor taste. But then, something dawned on me. An accident doesn’t actually have to happen, I just have to think it’s happening. I did some quick brainstorming and revealed the plan:
I would need someone to place a very realistic looking dummy under a vehicle. They would have to plan it like a surprise party. Everything would have to be kept hush-hush beforehand so that I couldn’t possibly know it was coming. I would be prompted to go outside, at which time I would see the unthinkable: a loved-one being crushed underneath thousands of pounds of whatever cars are made out of. Without hesitation, I would run to their rescue, lifting the car with all my might. My dream would be realized.
Now, for an event of this nature to be successful, it would have to be pulled off without a hitch. To ensure this happens, I put together a few rules for those in charge of executing the plan.
The rules are:
- The dummy must look just like a family member. It will need to wear a recognizable outfit, have similar features and, if at all possible, contain a device that would cause its limbs to wiggle
- The dummy cannot resemble any of my arch enemies, as I may choose to let nature take its course and not carry out the rescue operation. This would make me look bad.
- The vehicle should be a commonly purchased make and model. Please, no Smart Cars, buses, or semi-trucks. Let’s be real.
- Cameras must be set up at various locations surrounding the scene of the incident in order to capture the event from several different angles. If people aren’t going to believe this story, it might as well have never happened at all.
- Do NOT help me lift the car.
- Please have a hearty snack and a glass of water waiting for me after the lift. Picking up cars can take a lot out of a person.
Pretty cool, right? Truth be told, this inner power is within you, too. I assume you would like to experience something of this sort now that you can visualize the grandness of it all. It pains me to think that you may never get such an opportunity, as your friends and family will likely label this as “preposterous” and dismiss the idea before you even get to the part about the dummy.
So, now that you’re on your own, you need a method to extract the power. Famous athletes will try to convince you that all you need is a swig of Gatorade or a protein shake, but clearly these are just marketing ploys. I mean, come on. When was the last time you consumed one of these drinks and felt you could lift a car? Never. That’s why I have developed a new sports beverage to assist in your valiant efforts:
Adrenalade is a tasty concoction packed with Vitamin C, anti-oxidants, a rich berry flavor and plenty of adrenaline. It will propel you to a level of greatness you didn’t even know you could reach. It will make all of your wildest dreams come true.**
Due to some delays in production and lack of FDA approval, this product is not yet available to the public. I’ll have to get back to you on that…
* To be very clear, this is a modern recliner
**Assuming your dreams consist of lifting cars