A Strangely Critical Love Note and Beautiful Roses of Red

Not surprisingly, my 10 year-old niece always has more admirers than I do. It’s something I’ve just learned to accept. A few years ago, she and I had an in-depth conversation about boys. I was kidding when I asked if any boys liked her. She turned red and then quickly proceeded to ramble off the names of about 5 of her male classmates, along with the reasons she would never date them. It went something like this (with the names changed because I don’t remember them):

Reese (at age 7): “There’s this boy named Jake that really likes me, but he’s too short for me. Then there’s Michael, but he’s so immature. Pedro is, like, in love with me, but I only like him as a friend. Oh, and Corey…he’s really nice and we’re friends and everything, but he gets in trouble all the time. I just don’t understand how someone can get in trouble that much. I would never go out with someone like that. Jorge also likes me a lot, but, well…he has, like, really big thumbs.”

Better to be picky than to settle, right? I’ll never forget the big thumbs comment. She had clearly thought it through before concluding it was a deal breaker. I still like to joke with her about that one.

Anyway, Reese has outshined me once again in the admirer arena. For Valentine’s Day, one of her longtime admirers got down on one knee in front of everyone (gasp!) and gave her a red rose with the following note:

Dear Reese,

I want to tell you that you’re hot and beautiful and you should have this beautiful rose of red.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

P.S. Why did you wear your Toms 5 weekdays in a row?

P.S.S. I like your Toms.

Don't you DARE wear these 5 days in a row.

 My sister says he’s a typical male, since he seems to think that Love + Random (critical) thought + Backpedaling = Love.  Personally, I think he’s a keeper based on his ability to spell “you’re” correctly.  Most adults can’t seem to pull that off.
 
Reese says she got teased for it at recess, but I think we all know that the other girls were just jealous. That’s what I tell myself when women look at me with pity after “that guy” approaches me in line at the grocery store. When I say “that guy,” I don’t mean someone like Brad Pitt; I mean someone more like…Flavor Flav.
 

Acceptable in-store conversationalist.

Less acceptable in-store conversationalist.

Suffice it to say, I did not receive any roses of red for Valentine’s Day. My friend Lindsy and I were complaining to each other about how the non-single people were overtaking our Facebook newsfeeds with pictures of their Valentine’s Day gifts. We decided I should post a picture of flowers with no explanation. Just for fun. I had my roommate send me a picture of the flowers she got from her boyfriend and I posted it on my wall. First of all, the reaction to my having a new male suitor was overwhelmingly underwhelming. Second of all, I failed to consider that I would feel like a horrible person and liar upon receiving a few “likes” and comments of excitement and hope, rather than the nosey questions I had expected. I’m especially sorry for leading my grandmother to believe I had a boyfriend/potential future husband. This was admittedly a poorly thought out joke.  The worst part is that I could’ve turned this into a really good prank, as my intended targets (sister, sister-in-law, mom) quickly pointed out to me upon the confession of my lie. My sister-in-law said I could’ve brought Kia Soul back to life by saying he sent me the flowers. My sister said I could’ve acted like I had a secret admirer/stalker, dragging it out for months. My mom was just surprised that I ended the joke so quickly.

I hope everyone had a good Valentine’s Day, especially those of you who had the decorum to keep your incredibly personal love talk off of Facebook.

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23 thoughts on “A Strangely Critical Love Note and Beautiful Roses of Red

    • It was definitely something in that arena. After she listed off the names, you could’ve played “which one of these is not like the other?” (The answer is Reese).

      Did she initially call them “man thumbs?” That’s sounds familiar, but I can’t remember exactly. I just know they were unacceptably large.

  1. LOL I totally understand your sentiments as a single person myself. hahahahaha I would never have thought of putting roses up as a facebook pic, and well, your niece clearly has lots of admirers. At least she got a rose…I remember when I was in middle school some guy thought it was a good idea to give me a “pencil” as a valentine present…I mean that was just sad…poor choice might I add. He knew I liked art…but seriously…a pencil???? while others were getting Ferrero Rochers…I got a pencil. Didn’t wanna sound ungrateful…but your niece has it good so tell her…it’s the thought that counts…and the present lol. ;)

    • Oh my gosh, this totally made me laugh. Maybe he was trying to tell you you should work harder in school. Or that he would like to be “penciled in” to your life. Or that where he comes from, writing utensils are symbols of love. Either way, candy would’ve worked a lot better. I hope the pencil at least had one of those really cool erasers.

    • HAHA!! Hey, you know I’m not gonna bash the helmet. I think my lack of desire to converse with Flavor Flav has more to do with his absurd personality than his appearance. After all, I do love me some gold teeth.

    • Oh, great point. I’m adding that to the current running list of this boy’s positive qualities: 1) ability to spell, and therefore possibility of obtaining employment once he passes the ol’ child labor laws cut-off date. 2) ability to easily gain free (yet potentially risky) transport from one glamorous travel destination to another.

  2. Oh man, you could have really freaked some people out. I always think of that after I confess to those kind of pranks. Darn it all! Reese’s outlook on men sounds great – say no to big thumbs!

    • I know! I totally missed a great opportunity. I’m sure another one will present itself soon. They always do.

      I agree- I think that by beginning the screening process early, Reese will be a pro at spotting the good (small-thumbed) guys once she’s actually able to date.

  3. “Love + Random (critical) thought + Backpedaling = Love.”

    Dear god in heaven.

    This one sentence explains all the weird looks that every single girlfriend has given me when I try to show affection. Really Carly??? Really??? Must you inspire another blog post??? Do you not get tired of constantly being shouted out by my blog??? Stop it!

  4. “…non-single people were overtaking our Facebook newsfeeds with pictures of their Valentine’s Day gifts.” Sigh…glad the mushiness is over. Can’t wait to start mine though haha! By the way, your acceptable and less acceptable conversationalist picture left me with alien feelings…I still feel soo giggly and mischievous! Btw tell your niece they admire her just because she is as cute as a bunny, ha! I know that does some strange things to my sister :)

  5. Pingback: Hello weird looks I have gotten from every single girlfriend I have ever had. We have an explanation! | In-debt, Fat, Short with Bad Teeth

  6. I agree that a male (or any person) who can use “you’re” (and the subsequent your) appropriately, is definitely worth knowing and keeping in your life. Gosh, now I just sound like a grammar snob, but it really bothers me. That, and the “their,” “there,” and “they’re” business. Why is it so difficult to keep them straight?!?!? Rant over. Good post.

    • I know, I always feel like a snob when I point those things out. It’s not like we’re asking people to do calculus though…we’re asking them to spell a few really easy, commonly used words correctly. Even if you’re not a great speller in general, all you have to do is memorize some of them so you don’t sound completely uneducated.

    • I completely agree. I have to admit…I didn’t realize I was spellings “its” wrong for the longest time. Same with “yours.” I felt like an idiot and complete hypocrite for getting the easy ones wrong. Oh, well.

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