Monthly Archives: May 2012

Crash Into Me. Everybody’s Doing It.

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If there’s one thing I’m proud of, it’s my impeccable driving record.  Well, maybe it’s a tie between my impeccable driving record and the fact that I’ve purposely never used the term “my man” when referring to any past suitors.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  Watch an episode of “Cheaters.” 

Quality entertainment.

Anyway, I’ve been driving for 11 years now.  In that time, I haven’t been in a single car accident, gotten a ticket or even been pulled over.  Admit it. You’re impressed.    

Let’s rewind to about 3 weeks ago.  It’ll be just like “Back to the Future,” but without the DeLorean and futuristic shoes from 2015.  Don’t laugh.  There’s still time for those bad boys to take off.  Okay, so there I was, cruisin’ in my ride (stylish mid-sized family sedan) when BAM!  I got rear-ended by a van.  Blast!  The other driver and I exchanged information and I congratulated myself for being so kind to him.  Then I felt happy that he didn’t kidnap me and put me in his van.  Then I felt doubly happy that the whole thing only took a few minutes and I didn’t get called out on the radio for being that person holding up miles upon miles of traffic.  There wasn’t any noticeable damage, with the exception of my tarnished 11 year-long accident free streak.  Using highly flawed logic, I decided I wouldn’t be involved in another wreck for the next 11 years.

Pffft!  11 years?  Not even close, my friends.  Not even close.  A mere 10 days after the previous accident, I got rear-ended again.  What are the chances, you guys?  Since we weren’t in a spot where we could pull over, I stuck my head out the window and mouthed “pull over!” which immediately made me think of “Dumb & Dumber.”  

Cop:  “Pull over!”

Harry:  “No, it’s a cardigan, but thanks for noticing!”

Oh, Harry. You are just a hoot.

After exchanging information and being super nice again, despite the presence of minor bumper damage, I called my roommate to tell her and we each got a good, hearty laugh out of it.  Later that night, I called my dad/insurance agent and told him that I had just been in my second accident in 10 days.  Awesome.

I feel the need to mention that in both situations, there wasn’t any dispute regarding who was at fault.  I would also like to mention that both people who hit me were men.  And not just any men.  Middle-aged men with presumably many more years of driving experience than me.  I’m not usually all “girl power!” and stuff because I think it’s annoying, but come on.  I know it’s not fair to make the generalization that all women are better drivers than all men, but I think it’s reasonable to say that I’m a better driver than all men.  Yes, all men.  Well, at least two of them. 

I think we can all agree that there are a lot of bad drivers out there.  Some drivers are careless or too aggressive, but I think the main problem is people not paying attention.  I’m not usually a fan of bumper stickers, but if I ever wanted to ruin the paint on my car with one, I would buy one aimed at getting the attention of the person behind me in order to prevent an accident.  Here are a few ideas for crash deterrents. 

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If you would like to order one of these, I’m sorry. I’m not currently in the bumper sticker business. If you steal these ideas and make money, I’ll key your car. Okay, we all know I couldn’t do that. At the very least, I’ll send you a mean letter and call you out on my blog.  Ouch!  

Happy Memorial Day, everyone.  Thanks to all who have served!  And drive safe!  “You can never be too careful, there’s a lot of bad drivers out there.”  That’s another “Dumb & Dumber” quote.  You’re welcome.

Photo credits:

1: http://images.zap2it.com/images/tv-EP00395460/cheaters-1.jpg

2: http://ih0.redbubble.net/image.11463660.2553/sticker,375×360.png

3: http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/user_photos/1209803/a9886c83400c36b5fe0c208ce16463c6_width_600x.jpg

Giddyup, Partner!

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A few days ago, I was telling someone that I’ve never been on a horse before.  I always wanted to go horseback riding as a kid, but it just never happened.  There weren’t exactly a lot of horses in Alaska, so I can understand why this dream didn’t come true in my early years.  However, I’ve been in Texas for a good while now.  You’d think I would’ve encountered one by now, but alas, I have not.  I pass a few of them nearly every day on the way out of my neighborhood, for Pete’s sake.*

You’re probably feeling a tinge of sadness for me.  After all, isn’t it a child’s rite of passage to ride on a creature that could throw him/her to his/her untimely death?  So, like, woe is me, right?!  Well, no need to worry friends.  I’ve found some pictures that have helped to fill that horsey void.  Granted, I don’t remember taking these pictures and the horse wasn’t real, but from what I can tell, I definitely thought I was riding a horse and I loved it. 

Please note that these pictures also serve as additional proof that I was an enormous baby.    I had just turned 1 here. 

“Hey, y’all! Look at me on my purdy, fake horsey!”

I have trouble looking at the next one without laughing. I can’t tell for sure, but I must have been going awfully fast to achieve the whole hair-blowing-in-the-wind look.

“This. Is. Awesome!”

Here’s a picture of me, my brother and my sister earlier that year.  It looks like my sister was just as excited, if not more, to be riding the ol’ pony.  This one makes me laugh even more due to the ”I like cake!” look on her face.  Ah, good times.

“Remember to always wear your finest dress and cardigan when riding your horsey.”

I think we still have the horse.  If I ever have children (anybody taking bets on that yet?), I’ll be sure to take them horseback riding the way I learned.  It’ll be cheaper that way.

*Who exactly is this Pete character, anyway?

“Martin Stork:” Proof that I was a Progressive Kid

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Last week I saw something I thought only happened on TV. It was like a TLC documentary had come to life before my very eyes. I was strolling through Target on my lunch break, picking up some groceries and your average garden department impulse buys.

While standing in line, something caught my eye. My first thought was “that is the tallest woman I’ve ever seen.” My second thought was “cross dresser!!” Walking past me was a large, muscular man wearing a floral, sleeveless dress, high heels and a necklace. No wig, in case you were curious. I was mesmerized, but knew that I had to resist the urge to stare. After all, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, although one could argue he was already doing that to himself by wearing heels.

You see, I’ve always been super open-minded and sensitive to others’ feelings. What? Don’t believe me? Well, I have proof. Below is one of the books I wrote back in 3rd grade, along with my present day commentary.

Side note: If you’re having trouble viewing the images below on your phone, you may have to read this on a full computer screen. Sorry, I’d have a meltdown if I had to re-do them to be more legible.

I think the funniest thing about this story, aside from the drawing of Martin, is the fact that Michelle was based on my teacher at the time (the one who graded this). Her name was Michelle and she was tall, thin and pale. The picture I drew looked just like her. I actually idolized her and thought she was wonderful, but for some reason she wasn’t exactly portrayed in the best light in this story. I’m starting to wonder if this marked the beginning of my fall from teacher’s pet status. Or maybe it was the fact that I challenged cultural norms by drawing a 10 year-old transvestite before I even knew the meaning of the word? I guess I’ll never know…