If there’s one person/puppet/muppet I’ve never had much in common with, it’s gotta be this guy:
From the time I was a wee lass, I despised cookies. Not every type, but most. Let’s pretend I didn’t just eat 8-10 Thin Mints this afternoon. Or that I haven’t eaten whole cookie cakes by myself. Trust me, cookie cakes are far superior to cookies. Anyway, when offered your standard chocolate chip cookie, I’ll refuse without hesitation. If I happen to be craving sweets and I’m feeling a little bold, I’ll request a brownie instead. If a brownie is not available, I’ll demand to know why a brownie alternative was not provided. Bakers near and far, hear this: THERE SHOULD ALWAYS BE A BROWNIE ALTERNATIVE! And as long as you’re listening, if you’re going to put any kind of nut in said brownies, THERE SHOULD ALWAYS BE A NON-NUT BROWNIE ALTERNATIVE!
I would rather eat nothing than eat a cookie. You get the point. This will be important for later in the story.
As some of you may know by now, laughable things seem to happen to me frequently, either through bad luck or my own lack of common sense. I don’t think this story arose from either, but it still left me thinking “did that just happen?!” Fortunately, I narrowly escaped complete humiliation.
A few weeks ago, I stopped by the mall to find some bridesmaids’ earrings for my sister’s wedding. Inundated with choices and unsure of what to pick, I awkwardly strolled around one particular store for about an hour. I’m pretty sure the sales people thought I was a shoplifter at one point. It didn’t help that I stood out like a sore thumb in my least fancy workout clothes and make-up-less face amidst a sea of junior Stepford wives.
Finally, after receiving the oh-so-important confirmation text from my sister that the selected earrings weren’t ugly (I have no fashion sense, I do this often), I proceeded to the counter. While standing in line, I suddenly felt very warm. I removed my jacket and continued waiting. Then I started feeling a little tired. When it was my turn, I noticed one of the pairs of earrings was damaged. Long story short, I had to wait a while for them to find another pair. The longer I stood, the more tired I felt. I told the sales lady I needed to sit down for a minute and found a chair. After a few minutes, I went back to the counter to pay. Just as I was reaching for my wallet, I became so lightheaded that I knew I had to find food and fast. Before paying, I told the sales lady that I would be right back. She looked at me like I was crazy and I headed for the food court.
My plan was to find the restaurant with the shortest line and buy whatever ready-made food was available. Instead, with every step I took, I knew my chances of not passing out were shrinking. I quickly realized I had to get food however I could, as fast as I could.
The first place I came to? Great American Cookie Factory. Blast! The line? Long. Double blast! Without the slightest care of what people thought of me, I power walked to the front of the line, interrupted the woman placing her order and shouted at the poor cookie lady “I need a cookie! I’m going to pass out! I need a cookie! And some water!” She, too, looked at me like I was crazy and I again begged “Please, give me a cookie! I’ll pay for it in a minute!” At this point I could feel the blood leaving my face and my head became cold. Things started going black and while I knelt down to prevent myself from falling and cracking my head open, I could hear the woman in line asking if I was okay. I wanted to say “Umm, not really, but you’re so kind for asking. And if I pass out, please don’t steal my purse.” I then saw a cookie and a cup of water being handed to me. Hallelujah! Just in the nick of time.
With all the energy I could muster, I stood up, bit into that glorious cookie and made a beeline for the nearest chair. I felt people staring. Lots of people. I didn’t care. I sat there looking like a ghost for several minutes and all I could think was how lucky I was not to have passed out in the mall food court. Can you imagine?! There would have been a big scene, the rent-a-cop would have called an ambulance, and even worse, I would have lain down on a mall floor!
So, bottom line, a cookie saved me from a would-be humiliating experience. I went back and paid for it (and a giant piece of cookie cake) and thanked the person who reluctantly gave it to me. She continued to look at me like I was crazy. I didn’t care.
In case you’re wondering, I’ve never passed out before, don’t have any serious medical conditions and had eaten a full meal only a few hours prior to the incident. My unprofessional medical opinion is that I got what felt like a mild case of the flu and it hit me out of nowhere. Morals of the story:
- No matter how polite you think you are, you’ll cut in line without blinking an eye if you think you could pass out in a mall food court.
- Always carry food in your purse/man bag.
- Women- don’t neglect shaving your legs. When you realize medical professionals could have ripped off your workout pants and everyone would have seen your hairy legs, trust me, you’ll wish you had shaved that day.
- Be thankful for disgusting baked goods.
By the way, this is a perfect example of why people should wear helmets at all times. But you already knew I was gonna say that