With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought you might enjoy a special Valentine’s Day story from my 3rd grade literary collection. This one has everything! Romance, suspense, heartache, theft and a few inappropriate illustrations.
Ah, yes, about those illustrations…all you really need to know is that I was trying to draw the main character’s backside, not his front side. Once again, I’m surprised my teacher didn’t request a parent-teacher conference. Or a drug test to determine if I was on any kind of hallucinogens.
Just like before, I’ve typed up the text for easier reading and added my present-day commentary in red.
Be sure to check out the mistake on the front cover. I’d like to think I did that for the sake of irony, but unfortunately I specifically remember feeling confident I was spelling it correctly. I also remember being especially stubborn when my teacher suggested we use our dictionaries. Puh-lease. I didn’t have time for that. I had to focus on my graphic, nude artwork.
Thoughts: 1) I’m pretty sure that’s a harp, not a bow. 2) Why don’t these people have hands?
1) Nice hair, buddy. 2) Who gets married in a red dress? 3) Marker bleed-through…rookie mistake. 4) Seriously, where are their hands?
1) Hey Cupid, if you’re gonna go to the trouble of making a mask for this operation, think you could throw on some shorts? 2) This scene could be misunderstood for so many reasons.
1) Are we entirely sure this “she” isn’t a “he?” Or Ronald McDonald? 2) Why is the light switch so high on the wall?
I hope you enjoyed the story, thanks for reading. Feel free to share this one with your kids. Or not.
Last week I saw something I thought only happened on TV. It was like a TLC documentary had come to life before my very eyes. I was strolling through Target on my lunch break, picking up some groceries and your average garden department impulse buys.
While standing in line, something caught my eye. My first thought was “that is the tallest woman I’ve ever seen.” My second thought was “cross dresser!!” Walking past me was a large, muscular man wearing a floral, sleeveless dress, high heels and a necklace. No wig, in case you were curious. I was mesmerized, but knew that I had to resist the urge to stare. After all, I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, although one could argue he was already doing that to himself by wearing heels.
You see, I’ve always been super open-minded and sensitive to others’ feelings. What? Don’t believe me? Well, I have proof. Below is one of the books I wrote back in 3rd grade, along with my present day commentary.
Side note: If you’re having trouble viewing the images below on your phone, you may have to read this on a full computer screen. Sorry, I’d have a meltdown if I had to re-do them to be more legible.
I think the funniest thing about this story, aside from the drawing of Martin, is the fact that Michelle was based on my teacher at the time (the one who graded this). Her name was Michelle and she was tall, thin and pale. The picture I drew looked just like her. I actually idolized her and thought she was wonderful, but for some reason she wasn’t exactly portrayed in the best light in this story. I’m starting to wonder if this marked the beginning of my fall from teacher’s pet status. Or maybe it was the fact that I challenged cultural norms by drawing a 10 year-old transvestite before I even knew the meaning of the word? I guess I’ll never know…
As previously mentioned in my autobiography, I wrote several short stories as a child. One of my favorites is called “The Leprechaun’s Pepper Soup,” which I published (turned into my teacher) on March 31, 1994 at the age of 9. I’ve typed it up, scanned in the illustrations and provided commentary. WARNING: this story may not be suitable for young viewers, as it contains mature content, including theft, murder and cannibalism.
I hope you have lived your life up to this point in accordance with the morals of this story. I’m pretty sure I have.