I’ve recently received some shocking, life-altering news. My whole world has changed. I’ve lost all sense of identity and have so many questions. I took a DNA test and discovered I’m not who I thought I was.
The test, which I purchased through Living Social at a deep discount, is designed to tell you the top areas of the world whose current people have genes similar to yours. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your family is originally from that location, but it can be reasoned that if you have similar DNA, then you could possibly have ancestral connections to that place. That’s what the company’s website says anyway.
I received the test in the mail and after a few quick swabs of the mouth, I sent the sample back and waited. About 8 days later, the results were accessible online. They tell you the top 10 countries you’re connected to, along with some scientific gobbly gook that means nothing to the average person.
Before I give you the results, first let me tell you what I was expecting. As a white girl with known ties to England and Germany, I was expecting mostly European countries to pop up. In fact, I thought for sure there would be nothing new to learn or anything to gain from taking the test. I just thought the whole thing was interesting and that it would be cool to verify what I already knew.
Without further ado, I give you the results. Here are the countries that I have the greatest gene resemblance to:
- Somalia
- Sudan
- Spain
- Brazil
- Morocco
- Qatar
- Afghanistan
- Venezuela
- Turkey
- Columbia
Very scientific.
Yes, you saw right. I’m African.
This explains SO much. I once had an African-American man ask me “Is yo’ daddy black??” At the time I was certain the answer was “no,” but clearly I may have been wrong. Then there was the time a girl asked me if I was wearing a weave. I was not. Since then, I’ve learned that my hair is highly popular within the African demographic. And elderly women of all major races. Anyway, I’m excited to learn about my ancestors over in Somalia. I’m also really glad a map was provided with the results, because now I know where Somalia is.
Okay, seriously though, I think there’s been a big mix up. That, or my family has some explaining to do. I don’t know of a single family member with connections to any of these countries. Maybe I should demand a retest. Or, better yet, maybe I’ll send in a picture of myself attached to a request for refund.
Congratulations to my sister-in-law, Lauren, who correctly guessed that the results would say some country in Africa. I don’t know how she did that, but my well-developed paranoia of pranks tells me she stole the sample from my mailbox and replaced my cotton swabs with those of a Somalian. It’s the only logical explanation.
*****
Before I go, here’s a quick, related story. A few years ago I was standing outside Barnes & Noble waiting for some friends. A man, who looked to be Greek, came over and started talking to me. This is the conversation that took place:
Man: “Excuse me, but may I ask where you’re from?”
Me: “Huh? Oh, um, around here?”
Man: “No, I mean your ancestors. Are you from Greece? You look Greek.”
Me: “Oh, no, I don’t think so.”
Man: “So, what are you?”
Me: “Uhhh…regular?”
When I said “regular,” I meant the typical European mix of most Caucasian people in Texas. I’m pretty sure he thought I was an idiot. If he had given me the necessary time to research, obviously I would have said “Somalian.”
*****
If you would like to see which countries you may (or more likely, may not) be connected to, here’s the link to the company I used. I recommend waiting for another deal through Living Social. Paying full price would be robbery, even if you could get a funny story out of it.
