Category Archives: I Scare Myself

Welcome to the Old Folks’ Home

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My roommate Allison (25) and I (27) regularly joke that we’re like a couple of old ladies (not that there’s anything wrong with that*). I’ve commented on my fondness of elderly habits and paraphernalia before. Although I’m not ashamed to relate to those substantially older than me, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s becoming a bit unhealthy. I worry about Allison as well, but not quite to the degree I worry about myself; she enjoys a few younger pastimes, such as watching Glee and frequently being mistaken for a 13 year-old girl. I’m serious. One time she answered our front door and the salesman asked if her parents were home. And that’s when I would come to the door and the salesman would ask to speak to my husband. I’m not married, but thank you for assuming that neither I, nor my 13 year-old daughter, are capable of owning property.

Anyway, we’ve had a few conversations that have caused some concern in this arena. Take a gander:

Conversation of the Elderly Persuasion #1:

Allison: “We need to donate blood soon. We’ll each get a coupon for a free pint of Blue Bell ice cream. I would sooner take my own life than pass that up.”

Carly: “Do I have to?”

Allison: “Yes! Don’t you get it?! It’s free.”

(Repeat conversation 7 times over next six weeks).

Conversation of the Elderly Persuasion #2:

Setting: The two of us are sitting in the living room. I’m wearing both a large, old lady sweater and my Snuggie. She’s sewing. Wheel of Fortune is on the TV. I’m pretty sure this was on a Friday night.

Allison: “Let’s see what kind of extreme weather they’re having in Oklahoma.”

Carly: “Okay!” (frantically searches for The Weather Channel).

Conversation of the Elderly Persuasion #3:

Setting: This past Saturday night. We’re sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner that we had just prepared.

Allison: “Wow, these mashed potatoes are really good.”

Carly: “Thanks. They were really easy to make.”

Allison: “They’re really flavorful.”

Carly: “Yeah, I’m kind of surprised. I purposely didn’t add much salt or cheese and they’re still tasty.”

Allison: “Potatoes are so good.”

Carly: “I know, right?! They go really well with the rest of the meal. I love meals that taste even better when everything is mixed together. You can mix the potatoes with the corn, the chicken, or both.”

Allison: “Oh for sure. And you can cook them so many different ways.”

Allison: “And they’re so filling. I like them pretty much any way, except with gravy.”

Carly: “Me too. I like to leave the skins on. It gives them texture. And fiber.”

Allison: “Ohhh yeah! We love fiber. I also like the flavor they have with the skins on them.”

Carly: “We just had an entire conversation about the virtues of potatoes.”

Allison: “We are such losers.”

Carly: “I know. I don’t care though, potatoes are so good.”

Trust me, there’s more where this came from. Perhaps I’ll make this into a mini-bloggy-series. Unfortunately, it’s nearly my elderly bedtime, so I’ll have to continue later. Goodearlyevening everyone!

*To my more mature blog followers- that was for you. Text me if you wanna hang out sometime. Wait, let me re-word that. Send me a letter via postal service if you would enjoy chatting together or teaching me how to sew. No really, I’m serious. I’m cheap and need to learn how to hem my own clothes. I’ll bring Sudoku puzzles, baked goods and a framed Glamour Shots picture of myself to show how grateful I am. We can also talk about potatoes, or any other root vegetable that you like.

What Did She Do To Her Face?!

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Do you ever take a gander at someone and get an uneasy feeling?  You might get a pit in your stomach or feel your hair stand on-end, but you can’t quite figure out why.  You might even karate kick them in anticipation of the worst.  Don’t do that.  You’ll pull a muscle.  Anyway, I’ve always taken pride in my ability to pick up on subtleties.  It could be looked at as having strong instincts or a kind of sixth sense.  If you don’t believe me, look at the proof below.  I got this fortune right after beginning to write this post:

Proof.

This skill has proven invaluable in spotting the following:

  • untrustworthy individuals
  • insults camoflauged as creatively worded compliments
  • plastic surgery

Let’s take a closer look at that last bullet point. 

I regularly find myself commenting that a certain celebrity or reality TV star has done something to their face.  Occassionally, those around me will agree.  However, more often than not, they look at me as if to say “How could you possibly know that, Carly?  You’re such a know-it-all.  Girl…are you some kind of psychic?”  Shoot, I wish I was psychic.  At least then I would have a chance at working for the great Dionne Warwick.  Better yet, I would be allowed to wear long, flowly clothing and speak in a fun islandy accent.  Ya mon!

I suppose I wouldn’t know if someone had work done if it was done well.  However, based on my fascination with plastic surgery reality shows and documentaries, I have the utmost confidence in my skills.  I’ve seen so many before and after photos that the trends are fairly predictable. 

In all reality, I’m fairly certain this ability is just a product of my attention to detail.   Years of devout TV watching hasn’t hurt, either.  Having seen the same celebrities plastered across the small screen for years has enabled me to be notice sudden changes in appearance.   The best example that comes to mind is when Courtney Cox messed up her face years ago.  I think this was probably around 2001 or so.  The change was so startling, but nobody else seemed to say anything about it.  Granted, I’ve never followed gossip sites or anything, but I thought for sure it would be covered in the mainstream trash entertainment news magazine media.  Nope.  Nothing.   

This past Sunday I noticed there was a free Showtime weekend.  I couldn’t  bear to pass up the chance to watch a commercial-free movie.  After browsing the stations for a good flick, I settled on “A Low Down Dirty Shame.”  I watched for a little while, at least until the boring action scenes started.  I’m sure you’re wondering how “boring” and “action scenes” can be used in the same sentence.  You know how guys tune out the second the psychological girl talk starts in a movie?  That’s exactly how I respond to action scenes.  Anyway, something about the character named “Peaches” was really bothering me, but I couldn’t quite pin-point what it was.  Then, it came to me.  WHAT DID SHE TO DO TO HER FACE?!  I started analyzing her features, wondering how someone could look so different from 1994 to 2012.  Obviously aging changes one’s appearance, but this was just unreal.  I kept thinking about it.  I had just seen “New Year’s Eve,” the most recent movie she was in, and couldn’t get over how drastic the transformation was.  Poor girl.  She had been pressured by Hollywood to reconfigure her face to an almost unrecognizable degree.  Now, if you’re a movie buff, you’re having a cow right about now.  That’s because the person I was just so harshly critiquing was Jada Pinkett Smith, not Halle Berry.  Wow.  I had been comparing two completely different people all this time.  How embarrassing!

Halle Berry

NOT Halle Berry

Despite this mix-up, I still believe in my plastic surgery instincts.  I don’t think that was the problem at all.  It was my faulty human recognition skills.  I’m not sure which is worse. 

P.S.  Have you seen the most recent Nutrisystem commercial with Marie Osmond?  Whoa!  I hardly recongized her.  She’s had all kinds of stuff done.  I wonder if Donny had matching plastic surgery so they can still look freakishly similar. 

DISCLAIMER:  I don’t have anything against those who get plastic surgery.  I just wish people would admit to it when it’s so obvious.  As crazy as it sounds, I respect people like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton for owning up to it.  However, that does not mean I’ll be seeing “Joyful Noise.”  Ever.

I Need a Nanny

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I could really use a nanny. No, I don’t have kids.

I feel like a child who needs constant supervision. While I’m usually pretty responsible, I’ve always been naturally accident prone and forgetful (I’m certain this is a genetic defect). The past few weeks have been a little more eventful than normal in this regard. I’ve been a bit off my game and just can’t seem to function like a grown person.

If you look at any of these incidents individually, they don’t appear to be that concerning. However, when you consider all of these together, one has to wonder why some of us are allowed to live independently.  See list of events below:

1.  I obtained a mild, yet painful, burn while ironing a shirt.

2.  I ran into the wall several times. This is actually a regular occurrence.  Nothing new here.

3.  After getting in my car, I turned my head to the right, only to realize that some of my hair was caught in the door. 

4.  I hit my leg on the corner of my glass coffee table while rushing to and fro.  This is also a recurring experience, but this time it left a HUGE bruise.  I would’ve taken a picture of it but didn’t think to when the bruise was at its height.  Trust me though, it was intense.  There were several colors involved. 

5.  When I cook lasagna noodles, I put each one in the pot separately, gently forcing them into the water so that they’re completely submerged. This time around, while pushing a noodle into the pot, it violently broke and my hand was suddenly immersed in boiling water. It didn’t hurt as much as I expected, but it wasn’t what I would call a good time.

6.  I took some of the lasagna with me to work in a Tupperware container. Two weeks later, I found the container still sitting in my car, overgrown by very bad things. See for yourself:

Gross, I know.

7.  As some of you know, I take a sleep-aid on occasion (every night).  For the millionth time, it’s non-habit forming.  I take it because there’s simply too much activity going on in the ol’ noggin.  By the time I lay me down to sleep, I have trouble turning off my brain and will lay there thinking for hours.  A little while after taking it, I enter what I call “the Ambien state.”  When I’m in this state, I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing, but I become a little loopy/silly/weird and frequently laugh the next morning when I recall the things I’ve done.  My roommate gets a big kick out of this.  Anyway, the other night, I decided to enjoy an ice cream treat between taking the Ambien and going to bed.  The next morning, I opened the fridge and this is what I saw:

What a waste.

Yes, I put the remainder of the ice cream in the fridge instead of the freezer.  What a waste!  Luckily there wasn’t much left in the container.  Thank goodness.  By the way, this ice cream (actually, sorbet) is awesome (and low-calorie).

8.  I poured boiling water on my finger while making curly noodles (yum!).  Surprisingly, this was far more painful than the other boiling water event above.

9.  While exiting my car, I managed to hit my head on the inside of the roof in a way that hurt so badly I was concerned there could be brain damage.  Should’ve worn my helmet.

10.  As I turned left onto a poorly lit street, I heard honking and realized I had ended up on the wrong side of the median.  Luckily, my fast-acting instincts came into play and I immediately made a u-turn.  You would’ve been impressed…it was a great u-turn.  I think the person in the mini-van next to me felt differently.