Do you ever take a gander at someone and get an uneasy feeling? You might get a pit in your stomach or feel your hair stand on-end, but you can’t quite figure out why. You might even karate kick them in anticipation of the worst. Don’t do that. You’ll pull a muscle. Anyway, I’ve always taken pride in my ability to pick up on subtleties. It could be looked at as having strong instincts or a kind of sixth sense. If you don’t believe me, look at the proof below. I got this fortune right after beginning to write this post:
This skill has proven invaluable in spotting the following:
- untrustworthy individuals
- insults camoflauged as creatively worded compliments
- plastic surgery
Let’s take a closer look at that last bullet point.
I regularly find myself commenting that a certain celebrity or reality TV star has done something to their face. Occassionally, those around me will agree. However, more often than not, they look at me as if to say “How could you possibly know that, Carly? You’re such a know-it-all. Girl…are you some kind of psychic?” Shoot, I wish I was psychic. At least then I would have a chance at working for the great Dionne Warwick. Better yet, I would be allowed to wear long, flowly clothing and speak in a fun islandy accent. Ya mon!
I suppose I wouldn’t know if someone had work done if it was done well. However, based on my fascination with plastic surgery reality shows and documentaries, I have the utmost confidence in my skills. I’ve seen so many before and after photos that the trends are fairly predictable.
In all reality, I’m fairly certain this ability is just a product of my attention to detail. Years of devout TV watching hasn’t hurt, either. Having seen the same celebrities plastered across the small screen for years has enabled me to be notice sudden changes in appearance. The best example that comes to mind is when Courtney Cox messed up her face years ago. I think this was probably around 2001 or so. The change was so startling, but nobody else seemed to say anything about it. Granted, I’ve never followed gossip sites or anything, but I thought for sure it would be covered in the mainstream trash entertainment news magazine media. Nope. Nothing.
This past Sunday I noticed there was a free Showtime weekend. I couldn’t bear to pass up the chance to watch a commercial-free movie. After browsing the stations for a good flick, I settled on “A Low Down Dirty Shame.” I watched for a little while, at least until the boring action scenes started. I’m sure you’re wondering how “boring” and “action scenes” can be used in the same sentence. You know how guys tune out the second the psychological girl talk starts in a movie? That’s exactly how I respond to action scenes. Anyway, something about the character named “Peaches” was really bothering me, but I couldn’t quite pin-point what it was. Then, it came to me. WHAT DID SHE TO DO TO HER FACE?! I started analyzing her features, wondering how someone could look so different from 1994 to 2012. Obviously aging changes one’s appearance, but this was just unreal. I kept thinking about it. I had just seen “New Year’s Eve,” the most recent movie she was in, and couldn’t get over how drastic the transformation was. Poor girl. She had been pressured by Hollywood to reconfigure her face to an almost unrecognizable degree. Now, if you’re a movie buff, you’re having a cow right about now. That’s because the person I was just so harshly critiquing was Jada Pinkett Smith, not Halle Berry. Wow. I had been comparing two completely different people all this time. How embarrassing!
Despite this mix-up, I still believe in my plastic surgery instincts. I don’t think that was the problem at all. It was my faulty human recognition skills. I’m not sure which is worse.
P.S. Have you seen the most recent Nutrisystem commercial with Marie Osmond? Whoa! I hardly recongized her. She’s had all kinds of stuff done. I wonder if Donny had matching plastic surgery so they can still look freakishly similar.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t have anything against those who get plastic surgery. I just wish people would admit to it when it’s so obvious. As crazy as it sounds, I respect people like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton for owning up to it. However, that does not mean I’ll be seeing “Joyful Noise.” Ever.