Tag Archives: movies

What Did She Do To Her Face?!

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Do you ever take a gander at someone and get an uneasy feeling?  You might get a pit in your stomach or feel your hair stand on-end, but you can’t quite figure out why.  You might even karate kick them in anticipation of the worst.  Don’t do that.  You’ll pull a muscle.  Anyway, I’ve always taken pride in my ability to pick up on subtleties.  It could be looked at as having strong instincts or a kind of sixth sense.  If you don’t believe me, look at the proof below.  I got this fortune right after beginning to write this post:

Proof.

This skill has proven invaluable in spotting the following:

  • untrustworthy individuals
  • insults camoflauged as creatively worded compliments
  • plastic surgery

Let’s take a closer look at that last bullet point. 

I regularly find myself commenting that a certain celebrity or reality TV star has done something to their face.  Occassionally, those around me will agree.  However, more often than not, they look at me as if to say “How could you possibly know that, Carly?  You’re such a know-it-all.  Girl…are you some kind of psychic?”  Shoot, I wish I was psychic.  At least then I would have a chance at working for the great Dionne Warwick.  Better yet, I would be allowed to wear long, flowly clothing and speak in a fun islandy accent.  Ya mon!

I suppose I wouldn’t know if someone had work done if it was done well.  However, based on my fascination with plastic surgery reality shows and documentaries, I have the utmost confidence in my skills.  I’ve seen so many before and after photos that the trends are fairly predictable. 

In all reality, I’m fairly certain this ability is just a product of my attention to detail.   Years of devout TV watching hasn’t hurt, either.  Having seen the same celebrities plastered across the small screen for years has enabled me to be notice sudden changes in appearance.   The best example that comes to mind is when Courtney Cox messed up her face years ago.  I think this was probably around 2001 or so.  The change was so startling, but nobody else seemed to say anything about it.  Granted, I’ve never followed gossip sites or anything, but I thought for sure it would be covered in the mainstream trash entertainment news magazine media.  Nope.  Nothing.   

This past Sunday I noticed there was a free Showtime weekend.  I couldn’t  bear to pass up the chance to watch a commercial-free movie.  After browsing the stations for a good flick, I settled on “A Low Down Dirty Shame.”  I watched for a little while, at least until the boring action scenes started.  I’m sure you’re wondering how “boring” and “action scenes” can be used in the same sentence.  You know how guys tune out the second the psychological girl talk starts in a movie?  That’s exactly how I respond to action scenes.  Anyway, something about the character named “Peaches” was really bothering me, but I couldn’t quite pin-point what it was.  Then, it came to me.  WHAT DID SHE TO DO TO HER FACE?!  I started analyzing her features, wondering how someone could look so different from 1994 to 2012.  Obviously aging changes one’s appearance, but this was just unreal.  I kept thinking about it.  I had just seen “New Year’s Eve,” the most recent movie she was in, and couldn’t get over how drastic the transformation was.  Poor girl.  She had been pressured by Hollywood to reconfigure her face to an almost unrecognizable degree.  Now, if you’re a movie buff, you’re having a cow right about now.  That’s because the person I was just so harshly critiquing was Jada Pinkett Smith, not Halle Berry.  Wow.  I had been comparing two completely different people all this time.  How embarrassing!

Halle Berry

NOT Halle Berry

Despite this mix-up, I still believe in my plastic surgery instincts.  I don’t think that was the problem at all.  It was my faulty human recognition skills.  I’m not sure which is worse. 

P.S.  Have you seen the most recent Nutrisystem commercial with Marie Osmond?  Whoa!  I hardly recongized her.  She’s had all kinds of stuff done.  I wonder if Donny had matching plastic surgery so they can still look freakishly similar. 

DISCLAIMER:  I don’t have anything against those who get plastic surgery.  I just wish people would admit to it when it’s so obvious.  As crazy as it sounds, I respect people like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton for owning up to it.  However, that does not mean I’ll be seeing “Joyful Noise.”  Ever.

Unleash Those Hidden Talents, Girlfriend! (or Boyfriend!)

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Welcome back! 

Ok, recently I’ve been thinking about how we have control over certain things that happen to us and how so many things are left to chance.  Situations that we find ourselves in are the result of where we’re raised, the types of families we’re a part of and the various opportunities that may or may not come along during our lifetimes. 

Have you ever wondered if you have a great talent for a particular activity, but you’ve never known about it because of a lack of exposure to that activity?  What if you have a natural ability for painting, but have never taken a class or experimented with it?  Perhaps you have the potential to be an award-winning violinist, but have never picked up a musical instrument (except for the recorder in 5th grade)? What if you were born to be a swimmer, but also had a fear of water that kept you from ever finding out that you had mad swim skills? 

I’m sure there are countless people throughout history who could have done amazing things if they had been given the right opportunities.  Allow me to illustrate, by providing two completely backwards examples.

The year is 1963.  A baby Michael Jordan is born into the world.  But here’s the kicker… instead of being born into an American family in Brooklyn, he’s born into a Russian, figure skating-loving family in the city of Krasnozamensk.  He strives for years to learn the more common twizzle turns and flippity flips, but to no avail.  His village peers skate laps around him and he decides that he was simply not meant to be an athlete.  He goes on to be an average student in school, always wondering if he could have been more.  Nevertheless, because he has been told his whole life that he was not made for sports, he concedes and goes on to become a nanny for a wealthy family who owns a hat-making business by the name of “Ushanka hat?  We got ‘em!”  In case you don’t know what a “ushanka” is and need assistance understanding that joke, here’s a picture:

This is a ushanka. I definitely need one.

Westerners try to introduce basketball to the country in the ‘70’s, but it is quickly rejected due to the incompatibility of the harsh Russian winters and inexplicably short basketball shorts.*  Michael grows old, never realizing the magnitude of his unleashed talents.

Here’s another one…

What if beloved actor Leonardo DiCaprio had never been introduced to acting, but instead was born to an Amish family in Pennsylvania that didn’t own a TV or watch movies?  Rather than starring in high-budget flicks about diamonds and sinking ships, he would plow the fields and build beautiful nude furniture from sunrise to sundown, periodically shouting “I’m the king of the farm!”  Instead of sporting a modern hair-do, he would have an Amish-mandated haircut that would serve to ensure females were never attracted to him (this would be a pretty ugly haircut given his striking good looks).  Luxurious hand-made suits would be substituted with hideous, yet practical, hand-made overalls.  Rather than driving fancy sports cars and flying around the world on private jets, he would saddle up on his best pony.**  One day, he would venture out into the non-Amish world, catch a glimpse of a movie playing on TV and wonder if he could’ve been an actor.

It really makes you think, huh?  What if you are the Michael Jordan of a sport you haven’t yet been exposed to or the Leonardo DiCaprio of the arts?  Think of all the things you’ve never tried.  Haven’t skied before?  Go skiing.  Haven’t baked a pie?  Go bake.  Haven’t tried singing, other than in your car while nobody else is around?  Quit your job, take singing lessons and start a band.  Ok, no…I take it back.  Don’t do that.

* I don’t have the slightest clue if/when basketball was introduced to Russia.

** A small pony would suffice, he’s a short little guy.