Tag Archives: reality tv

What Did She Do To Her Face?!

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Do you ever take a gander at someone and get an uneasy feeling?  You might get a pit in your stomach or feel your hair stand on-end, but you can’t quite figure out why.  You might even karate kick them in anticipation of the worst.  Don’t do that.  You’ll pull a muscle.  Anyway, I’ve always taken pride in my ability to pick up on subtleties.  It could be looked at as having strong instincts or a kind of sixth sense.  If you don’t believe me, look at the proof below.  I got this fortune right after beginning to write this post:

Proof.

This skill has proven invaluable in spotting the following:

  • untrustworthy individuals
  • insults camoflauged as creatively worded compliments
  • plastic surgery

Let’s take a closer look at that last bullet point. 

I regularly find myself commenting that a certain celebrity or reality TV star has done something to their face.  Occassionally, those around me will agree.  However, more often than not, they look at me as if to say “How could you possibly know that, Carly?  You’re such a know-it-all.  Girl…are you some kind of psychic?”  Shoot, I wish I was psychic.  At least then I would have a chance at working for the great Dionne Warwick.  Better yet, I would be allowed to wear long, flowly clothing and speak in a fun islandy accent.  Ya mon!

I suppose I wouldn’t know if someone had work done if it was done well.  However, based on my fascination with plastic surgery reality shows and documentaries, I have the utmost confidence in my skills.  I’ve seen so many before and after photos that the trends are fairly predictable. 

In all reality, I’m fairly certain this ability is just a product of my attention to detail.   Years of devout TV watching hasn’t hurt, either.  Having seen the same celebrities plastered across the small screen for years has enabled me to be notice sudden changes in appearance.   The best example that comes to mind is when Courtney Cox messed up her face years ago.  I think this was probably around 2001 or so.  The change was so startling, but nobody else seemed to say anything about it.  Granted, I’ve never followed gossip sites or anything, but I thought for sure it would be covered in the mainstream trash entertainment news magazine media.  Nope.  Nothing.   

This past Sunday I noticed there was a free Showtime weekend.  I couldn’t  bear to pass up the chance to watch a commercial-free movie.  After browsing the stations for a good flick, I settled on “A Low Down Dirty Shame.”  I watched for a little while, at least until the boring action scenes started.  I’m sure you’re wondering how “boring” and “action scenes” can be used in the same sentence.  You know how guys tune out the second the psychological girl talk starts in a movie?  That’s exactly how I respond to action scenes.  Anyway, something about the character named “Peaches” was really bothering me, but I couldn’t quite pin-point what it was.  Then, it came to me.  WHAT DID SHE TO DO TO HER FACE?!  I started analyzing her features, wondering how someone could look so different from 1994 to 2012.  Obviously aging changes one’s appearance, but this was just unreal.  I kept thinking about it.  I had just seen “New Year’s Eve,” the most recent movie she was in, and couldn’t get over how drastic the transformation was.  Poor girl.  She had been pressured by Hollywood to reconfigure her face to an almost unrecognizable degree.  Now, if you’re a movie buff, you’re having a cow right about now.  That’s because the person I was just so harshly critiquing was Jada Pinkett Smith, not Halle Berry.  Wow.  I had been comparing two completely different people all this time.  How embarrassing!

Halle Berry

NOT Halle Berry

Despite this mix-up, I still believe in my plastic surgery instincts.  I don’t think that was the problem at all.  It was my faulty human recognition skills.  I’m not sure which is worse. 

P.S.  Have you seen the most recent Nutrisystem commercial with Marie Osmond?  Whoa!  I hardly recongized her.  She’s had all kinds of stuff done.  I wonder if Donny had matching plastic surgery so they can still look freakishly similar. 

DISCLAIMER:  I don’t have anything against those who get plastic surgery.  I just wish people would admit to it when it’s so obvious.  As crazy as it sounds, I respect people like Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton for owning up to it.  However, that does not mean I’ll be seeing “Joyful Noise.”  Ever.

A Kardashian Katastrophe

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So…did you hear??  Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries!  Ok, I know this is old news by now, but still, it’s worth discussing.

I used to watch “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” when it first began. If you haven’t seen it, don’t.  Once you start, it’s hard to turn back.  Even though you know it’s harmful to your mental health, you’ll continue to watch.  It’ll suck you in.  After a while, you’ll start to think that Kardashian-like behavior is normal.   Oh, you say you need examples?  Here you go:

  • Speaking with a painfully obvious fake voice
  • Wearing unreal amounts of make-up
  • Talking about an event that happened in the past as if it’s currently happening

Even if you want to quit, it’ll be close to impossible because they are everywhere.  And they’re like roaches- there’s a million of them, they come out at night and I wouldn’t be surprised if they carry disease.

Anyway, I say all this so that you’ll understand why I’m familiar with their show.  Even though I pretty much can’t stand them, I’ve watched my fair share of episodes. 

Once they started getting engaged, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I refused to watch anything related to Kim’s or Khloe’s weddings.  I knew it would be the epitome of annoying girly stuff.

After Kim got engaged, I found out the basics of her relationship:

  • She and Kris got engaged after knowing each other for almost no time at all.
  • Kris was quite a bit younger than her.
  • Kris was a professional athlete.  Of course.
  • Kris had the same name as Kim’s mom, Kris.  How convenient.  And how convenient that his name started with a “K.”  She probably picked him out of the “Professional Athlete” phonebook based on the compatibility of his name with the Kardashian Empire’s naming convention.

Even though I went out of my way to avoid hearing/watching/reading about Kim’s whole shebang, I was still exposed to it.  I had to listen to this garbage for months.  I was successful in my efforts to not watch the FOUR HOUR long wedding special, but somehow I still knew that Kim and Kris didn’t have any chemistry, talked to each other with a complete lack of respect and that Kim’s sisters yelled at him frequently.  The one thread of hope I held onto was the fact that we would all have at least a few years of peace and quiet once the wedding was over.

Wrong.  A mere 72 days after the wedding, the “marriage” was over.  I feel uncomfortable even calling it a marriage.  They didn’t even try.  Most 8th graders have relationships that last longer than that (I didn’t).  And even if they did have “irreconcilable differences,” could they not have just faked it for a little while longer?  I mean, people invested a lot of time in this ridiculous circus.  The least they could do is act like it was time well-spent. 

The rumor is that it was all a sham for publicity.  I can definitely see that being the case.  If that is true, I wish they would’ve thought of our feelings before pulling a stunt like that.

I can’t imagine what could have possibly happened to make them call it quits so soon.  Perhaps one of the following:

  • Kris found a loop-hole in the pre-nup. and decided it was time to cash out
  • There wasn’t room for Kris on the Kardashians’ 17th reality show
  • Producers feared Kris and Kim would take the attention away from their efforts to exploit the two youngest Kardashian sisters (they’ve already started doing this)
  • Kris realized how annoying Kim and her family are

As usual, I’ve done my best to see the silver lining in all of this.  There are a number of lessons we can learn from this tragedy:

  • Celebrities probably shouldn’t get married.
  • If you’d like to have a big party, but can’t justify the cost, call it a wedding.
  • Sometimes people will surprise you (i.e., Khloe’s marriage lasting longer than Kim’s).
  • The more you spend on your wedding, the less likely your marriage is to succeed (I’ve always believed this- no, this isn’t based on any kind of statistic, just observation) .
  • Always keep a divorce attorney on retainer.
  • Kardashians are like dogs that do tricks over and over…if you reward them by watching their four-hour long wedding specials, they’re just gonna keep getting married.