Tag Archives: story

Stupid Cupid

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With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought you might enjoy a special Valentine’s Day story from my 3rd grade literary collection.  This one has everything!   Romance, suspense, heartache, theft and a few inappropriate illustrations.

Ah, yes, about those illustrations…all you really need to know is that I was trying to draw the main character’s backside, not his front side.  Once again, I’m surprised my teacher didn’t request a parent-teacher conference.  Or a drug test to determine if I was on any kind of hallucinogens.

Just like before, I’ve typed up the text for easier reading and added my present-day commentary in red.

Be sure to check out the mistake on the front cover.  I’d like to think I did that for the sake of irony, but unfortunately I specifically remember feeling confident I was spelling it correctly.  I also remember being especially stubborn when my teacher suggested we use our dictionaries.  Puh-lease.  I didn’t have time for that.  I had to focus on my graphic, nude artwork.

Stupid Cupid- Cover

Stupid Cupid- Page 1

Stupid Cupid- Pic 1

Thoughts: 1) I’m pretty sure that’s a harp, not a bow. 2) Why don’t these people have hands?

Stupid Cupid- Pic 2

1) Nice hair, buddy. 2) Who gets married in a red dress? 3)  Marker bleed-through…rookie mistake.  4) Seriously, where are their hands?

 Stupid Cupid- Page 2

Stupid Cupid- Page 3

1) Hey Cupid, if you're gonna go to the trouble of making a mask, think you could throw on some shorts? 2) This scene could be misunderstood for so many reasons.

1) Hey Cupid, if you’re gonna go to the trouble of making a mask for this operation, think you could throw on some shorts? 2) This scene could be misunderstood for so many reasons.

Stupid Cupid- Page 4

1) Are we entirely sure this "she" isn't a "he?" Or Ronald McDonald? 2) Why is the light switch so high on the wall?

1) Are we entirely sure this “she” isn’t a “he?” Or Ronald McDonald? 2) Why is the light switch so high on the wall?

 Stupid Cupid- Page 5I hope you enjoyed the story, thanks for reading.  Feel free to share this one with your kids.  Or not.

Star Wars: An Admittedly Inaccurate Plot Summary

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I recently watched a late night comedy show bit where someone tried to review a new movie they had never seen.  I thought it was great because:

  • it was funny
  • it hadn’t been done a million times before
  • it gave me an idea for the ol’ blog

…an idea I’m stealing.  Kind of.  But, instead of reviewing a movie, I’ll just try to describe one I’ve never seen.  Better yet, I’ll describe a classic so you can spot the inaccuracies with ease.  You’re welcome.

The first movie pick is…drumroll….Star Wars!  Yes, it’s true.  I’ve never seen it.  Important note:  I’m going to describe the movie based on what I’ve heard about it.  I won’t Google it or ask anyone about it while I write.  I’ll fill in the parts I’m unsure of.  Here you go!

The intro starts, with words scrolling from the bottom of the screen to the top, just like the screensavers I used to create in 1996.  Ominous music plays.  There are stars in the background.  Clearly this is foreshadowing the rest of the movie taking place in space.  Rhyme not intended.  The scrolling words explain that somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, a war is going on.  This war is being fought on some kind of space traveling apparatus and/or an actual star.

Han Solo and his friend Luke Skywalker are hanging out in Luke’s space cave, when they get an urgent message alerting them to the enemy’s imminent attack.  They call up their buddies Chewbacca the Wookie and C3PO, both of whom are happy to help out in the defense effort.  Such sweethearts.  After dividing up their war duties, they hop in their spaceship and fly over to a big, open area, perfect for space fighting.  They look over the horizon to see little army men coming after them!  Oh, no!  After a long, drawn out battle that allows female viewers to take a bathroom break, the good guys win.  On their way to fight another battle, they see their friend Princess Leia picnicking in the distance.  Luke yells out “Hey, girl!  Come on over here!  And bring some of those apple slices, we’re famished!”  She gladly joins and the gang continues on their journey.  Han Solo starts flirting with Princess Leia as soon as the ship takes off.  Ugh, what a player.  Meanwhile, Luke is complaining about Chewbacca’s shedding, as he’s allergic to Wookie dander.  C3PO is making annoying “beep-bop” noises in the backseat.  Typical.

They see the enemy’s spaceship flying overhead and decide to sneak in.  As they run through the halls of the ship, Princess Leia trips on her flowy, white gown and is quickly captured.  She’s taken to see Darth Vader, the enemy leader.  This guy is known for being a little on the evil side.  Originally named Garth Vader, he was once a kind gentleman who turned to the dark side out of bitterness.

Garth Vader, age 12.  Always the rebel, Garth ditched the black dress for school picture day so he could finally wear a stylish turtleneck like all the other boys.

You see, ever since he was a youngster, he was forced to wear a black dress and face covering as a result of a severe case of sun sensitivity.  This secluded him from his peers, causing him to resent others and develop a need for power.  He eventually changed his name to Darth and started using one of those voice-altering machines for dramatic effect.  Oh, and he started killing people.

Anyway, just as Princess Leia starts crying because her cellmate is making fun of her weird cinnamon bun hair, Han Solo and the others burst into the room, just like the Kool-Aid guy, but with weapons.  Both sides draw their light sabers and in the midst of all the fighting, put on one heck of a light show.  After a few minutes, only Luke and Darth are left standing.  Luke accidentally trips on his shoe laces while approaching Darth and without thinking, Darth yells out “Be careful! And tie your shoes, young man!”  The whole room gasps!  Luke replies “Don’t tell me what to do!  Why would you say such a thing?!”  After a brief pause, Darth solemnly says “Luke, I am your father!”  The two embrace in a hug and Darth tells Luke all about his skin issue, reassuring him that it’s not genetic.  Princess Leia is freed and the war is declared over.  They all get together in a circle, sing songs and agree to be best friends forever.  The end.

He always wanted to say that.

Original photo credits:  1) thisblogrules.com 2) bturn.com

Witchy Woman

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With Halloween coming up, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been thinking about how much we dislike witches.  Well, I know I have.

Contrary to popular belief, witches weren’t always so feared.  For centuries, they fulfilled their witchy duties in peace.   Potions were concocted, spells were cast and brooms were flown into power lines without the slightest interruption from the common people.  This likely would have continued for many more centuries, but then this happened….

“I’ll get you my pretty!”  “Oh, thanks for the compliment!”

Yes.  The Wicked Witch of the West.  Somewhere around 1988, this woman selfishly stole my ability to sleep soundly.  Before watching “The Wizard of Oz,” I enjoyed a carefree childhood.  You know…the type of childhood where you thought the worst thing that could happen to you was missing out on dessert.  Well, that, and thinking that your babysitter would eventually sit on you, smothering you to death.  Turns out, the word “babysitter” is a bit of a misnomer.

Anyway, my life was forever changed after watching this horror flick.  I don’t recall being afraid of monsters or boogie men, but the Wicked Witch haunted me nightly.  I just knew this freak was going to kidnap me and hold me captive in a cold dungeon with flying monkeys.  And this is how it would go down:  I had a habit of leaving my bed at night and begging to sleep in my parents’ bed.  Between my room and their room was a break in the hallway.  As I ran past that spot, she would grab me, throw me on her broom and laugh that evil laugh.  I hated her.

I wasn’t the only person in my family with such worries.  During a trip to Texas, we caught sight of a relative’s female neighbor who was dressed in black.  While I knew it was polite to keep my fears bottled up inside, my very vocal sister did not.  Without hesitation, she screamed at the top of her lungs “It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!  It’s the Wicked Witch of the West!”  Let’s hope that poor woman was hard of hearing.

Now, the Wicked Witch wasn’t the only reason this movie scared me.  Shall we discuss the other, more frequently overlooked reasons?  We shall.

  • Dorothy lived on a farm, which was likely occupied by poisonous spiders.  I hadn’t gotten caught up in the “Charlotte’s Web” hoopla, so I wasn’t buying all that “Awww, spiders are nice!” garbage.
  • Dorothy was an orphan and lived with a mean aunt and uncle.  This one isn’t scary, but I was an empathetic kid and this really bothered me.  Don’t even get me started on the thought of losing little Toto.  It’s hard being so compassionate.  :(
  • The cyclone scene.  Obviously.
  • Droves of little people who looked like they were the test subjects for tanning beds.
  • Dorothy and her friends embarked on a journey without a solid game plan.  Would they have enough food?  Where would they sleep?  Did they each bring a light jacket in case there was a breeze?  Planning is everything, you guys.
  • The Scarecrow:  A walking fire hazard.  Also, he attracted birds that could peck out one’s eyes.
  • The Tin Man:  Hello, Tetanus!
  • Dorothy was friends with a lion.  I don’t care what adjective you attach to it.  All it takes is one bite.
  • Winged monkeys.  Everyone’s least favorite kind of monkey.
  • The Wizard.  What a weirdo.

Parents: please don’t make your children watch this movie.  I know it held a special place in your heart growing up, but that’s only because you were able to erase the frightening parts from your brain.

That’s what I think must have initially happened to me before the bad memories resurfaced.  Why else would I have chosen this as one of my Halloween costumes?

Just as scary as the original witch, but for different reasons.

Perhaps I was conquering my fears?  Maybe subliminal messages within the movie brainwashed me into believing I was the little Wicked Witch reincarnate?  Or, could this have been the only costume left in my family’s bin-o’-costumes box?  We may never know.

Happy Halloween, everyone!  Don’t forget to steal some of your kids’ candy!