I recently watched a late night comedy show bit where someone tried to review a new movie they had never seen. I thought it was great because:
- it was funny
- it hadn’t been done a million times before
- it gave me an idea for the ol’ blog
…an idea I’m stealing. Kind of. But, instead of reviewing a movie, I’ll just try to describe one I’ve never seen. Better yet, I’ll describe a classic so you can spot the inaccuracies with ease. You’re welcome.
The first movie pick is…drumroll….Star Wars! Yes, it’s true. I’ve never seen it. Important note: I’m going to describe the movie based on what I’ve heard about it. I won’t Google it or ask anyone about it while I write. I’ll fill in the parts I’m unsure of. Here you go!
The intro starts, with words scrolling from the bottom of the screen to the top, just like the screensavers I used to create in 1996. Ominous music plays. There are stars in the background. Clearly this is foreshadowing the rest of the movie taking place in space. Rhyme not intended. The scrolling words explain that somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, a war is going on. This war is being fought on some kind of space traveling apparatus and/or an actual star.
Han Solo and his friend Luke Skywalker are hanging out in Luke’s space cave, when they get an urgent message alerting them to the enemy’s imminent attack. They call up their buddies Chewbacca the Wookie and C3PO, both of whom are happy to help out in the defense effort. Such sweethearts. After dividing up their war duties, they hop in their spaceship and fly over to a big, open area, perfect for space fighting. They look over the horizon to see little army men coming after them! Oh, no! After a long, drawn out battle that allows female viewers to take a bathroom break, the good guys win. On their way to fight another battle, they see their friend Princess Leia picnicking in the distance. Luke yells out “Hey, girl! Come on over here! And bring some of those apple slices, we’re famished!” She gladly joins and the gang continues on their journey. Han Solo starts flirting with Princess Leia as soon as the ship takes off. Ugh, what a player. Meanwhile, Luke is complaining about Chewbacca’s shedding, as he’s allergic to Wookie dander. C3PO is making annoying “beep-bop” noises in the backseat. Typical.
They see the enemy’s spaceship flying overhead and decide to sneak in. As they run through the halls of the ship, Princess Leia trips on her flowy, white gown and is quickly captured. She’s taken to see Darth Vader, the enemy leader. This guy is known for being a little on the evil side. Originally named Garth Vader, he was once a kind gentleman who turned to the dark side out of bitterness.
Garth Vader, age 12. Always the rebel, Garth ditched the black dress for school picture day so he could finally wear a stylish turtleneck like all the other boys.
You see, ever since he was a youngster, he was forced to wear a black dress and face covering as a result of a severe case of sun sensitivity. This secluded him from his peers, causing him to resent others and develop a need for power. He eventually changed his name to Darth and started using one of those voice-altering machines for dramatic effect. Oh, and he started killing people.
Anyway, just as Princess Leia starts crying because her cellmate is making fun of her weird cinnamon bun hair, Han Solo and the others burst into the room, just like the Kool-Aid guy, but with weapons. Both sides draw their light sabers and in the midst of all the fighting, put on one heck of a light show. After a few minutes, only Luke and Darth are left standing. Luke accidentally trips on his shoe laces while approaching Darth and without thinking, Darth yells out “Be careful! And tie your shoes, young man!” The whole room gasps! Luke replies “Don’t tell me what to do! Why would you say such a thing?!” After a brief pause, Darth solemnly says “Luke, I am your father!” The two embrace in a hug and Darth tells Luke all about his skin issue, reassuring him that it’s not genetic. Princess Leia is freed and the war is declared over. They all get together in a circle, sing songs and agree to be best friends forever. The end.
He always wanted to say that.
Original photo credits: 1) thisblogrules.com 2) bturn.com